and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets

 an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Sir, did you call

 for me?" The mans replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here, let me 

explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies that you called for me." 

Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls

 him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down 

he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, horrible corpulent, hairy man lumbers out of the 

steam toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says 

the newcomer. "You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it is a rule here that if you 

fart it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him 

over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling,

 naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here is my membership card,

 you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir," she 

replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see

 all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 58 years old, I get a hard-on 

once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.

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Busted

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute I have to relive myself." While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat. He asks the guy "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me." The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What're you doing in there?" The guy says "I'm making love to my wife." The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?" The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."

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Murphy's Laws on Sex

MLOS "This won't hurt, I promise."

 MLOS: A man in the house is worth two in the street.

 MLOS: Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. 

MLOS: Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. 

MLOS: Do it only with the best.

 MLOS: Don't do it if you can't keep it up. 

MLOS: Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps. 

MLOS: It is always the wrong time of month.

 MLOS: It is better to be looked over than overlooked. 

MLOS: Love comes in spurts.

 MLOS: Love is a hole in the heart. 

MLOS: Love your neighbor, but don't get caught

 MLOS: Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

MLOS: Never say no

 MLOS: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 

MLOS: Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog. 

MLOS: No sex with anyone in the same office.

 MLOS: Nothing improves with age.

 MLOS: One good turn gets most of the blankets.

MLOS: Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. 

MLOS: Sex has no calories. 

MLOS: Sex is dirty only if it's done right. 

MLOS: Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking 

MLOS: The best way to hold someone is in your arms.

 MLOS: The world does not revolve on an axis. 

MLOS: The younger the better.

 MLOS: There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 

MLOS: Virginity can be cured. 

MLOS: When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

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Guessing Her Age

A middle-aged woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday.
She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her
way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before
leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking,
but how old do you think I am?"

About 32," was the reply.

"I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the
counter girl the very same question.

She replies, "I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a
Drugstore on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter
to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the
same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although,
when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman
was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my
hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you
are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got
the  best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go
ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and
begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple
of minutes of this, she said," Okay, okay, how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts and removes his
hands and says, "Madam, you are exactly 47 years old."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how did
you know?"

The old man replies, "I was standing behind you in line at  McDonald's.

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IDIOTS GUIDE TO SEX

1. "69" is not an entree off of a menu at a Chinese restaurant.

2. Bondage does not mean you are making financial investments.

3. Ribbed condoms are not meant to be wrapped around your chest, they are for her pleasure.

4. It is not sex if your partner starts to deflate.

5. Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.

6. Foreplay does not mean taking hints from the homeless and begging for two hours.

7. A technical virgin is a girl who's had it in only half way.

8. Moby Dick is not a sexually transmitted disease.

9. Braces are not a form of oral contraceptive, in fact, avoid them.

10. Adultery is not the art of acting like an adult, quite the contrary.

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I'm Pregnant Ma!

A fourteen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that
she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is
pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that
did this to you? I want to know!!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later
a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and
distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a
very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits
in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and
tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family
situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will
bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,
000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of
factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a
factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."

At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time,
places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:

"You'll fu*k her again!!!"

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Blond Bank Robbery

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde,
Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second
blonde, Buffie, in great detail. The robbery begins.

Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to
Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan.
You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than
three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," said Buffie.

Buffie goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes . . . Two minutes pass . . . Seven minutes pass
. . . and Judy is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie. She's
got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.
About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the
bank doors burst open again as the security guard comes running
out with his pants and underwear down around his ankles.

As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You are such a blonde! I
thought you understood the plan!"

Buffie said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said Judy. "I said tie up the GUARD and blow the
SAFE!"

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Golf Lesson

"Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?"

"You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember."

"Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin. When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spaulding in there, and I said, 'Looks like your hole, dear.' That was the last thing I remember."

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The Transplant

A pro golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was
rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon
popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news." says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh god no!" cries the man. "My career is over! Please Doc,
what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but
it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead
with the transplant"

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and 6 months later the man was out on the
golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the business man.  "I'm playing the best golf
of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has
really improved."

"That's great." said the surgeon

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has
improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even
taken up painting landscapes in watercolors"

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the
transplant was such a success."

"Well there is one problem," said the golfer, "every time I try
to jerk off I get a headache!"

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The Tattoo

Jack has a girlfriend, Wendy, whom he loves a lot. To prove how

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 LOVE Martian Style

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking
about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.

"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another.  The female Earthling
and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.

"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.

"Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it's no where near long enough.  It'll
never reach!"

"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with
his palm.  With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until
it was quite impressively long.

"Well," she said.  "That's quite impressive, but it's still
pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With
each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire
measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate
love.  The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and
went off together. As they walked along the Earthling male said,

"Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful.  How
about you?"

"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing.  She kept slapping me
on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."
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MIRROR, MIRROR...

 Mirror, mirror on the wall, Should I really shave my balls? If I don't, she'll surely bitch. Does she care how much I'll itch? Take the razor and lather up, Gawd that bitch is so corrupt! Doesn't she care that I could slip? Shave my balls and cut off my dick? Easy now, hands don't shake, She'll call me "Stumpy" with one mistake. Pubes in her teeth she really can't bear, If I want some head... get ridda the hair. So I shave my balls all nice and slick, Did it up nice without one nick! "Feel 'em baby, they're so smooth!" "Take off your clothes, get in the groove!" She looks at me from our little bed, "I'm sleepy, Baby... ain't giving no head!" She rolls on over and gives me her back, I'm so pissed off, I'm about to crack! Next day, it's breakfast in the sheets, I spoon her bites which she gladly eats. And I must confess I think it's fair, That her omelet was made with pubic hair.

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THE 10 MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN A WOMAN'S LIFE



      10) The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."

      9) The Dentist because he says, "Open Wide."

      8) The Hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown."

      7) The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

      6) The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

      5) The Banker because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest."

      4) The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."

      3) The Mailman because he always delivers his package.

      2) The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

      1) The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats 

         what he shoots.

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GROUND RULES OF SEXUAL AFFAIRS

Inspired by our ONCE fearless leader, EX-President Clinton, here are some new ground rules to help people 
determine if their sexual affairs count. 
This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant 
other after lurid affairs: 

1. Oral Sex does not count. That much has been established. 

2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day, it doesn't count. 

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex, it doesn't count. 

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, it doesn't count. 

5. Sex with a friend doesn't count; it's just another thing for you share together! (Now you have 
something to tell women when they say they just want to be friends!) 

6. If the act was so lame you leave thinking, "Did I really need a shower for that?" doesn't count. 

7. An old flame, doesn't count. This is just called final closure. 

8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count. This is mercy sex. 

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same. Nope doesn't count, since masturbation isn't 
sex. That too has been established. 

10. Cyber-sex? NO WAY! This is glorified masturbation. 

11. Two heterosexual women intimate fun, but not sex, doesn't count. 

12. Kissing body parts is not cheating. 

13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know 
their significant other on a first-name basis. 

14. A sexual act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count. 

15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other doesn't count. This should just be 
referred to as "a skeleton in the family closet." 

16. Acts committed in a public place doesn't count. (Why should it? It was public, right?). 

17. Phone sex doesn't count. Refer back to "glorified masturbation." 

18. Sex in car, doesn't count. Way too cramped to really enjoy it. However, if vehicle is in motion and has 
a console or stick shift, this counts, because it is way too kinky and erotic NOT TO count. Well, unless 
the act was totally oral. If so, refer back to rule #1. 

19. An act in which the female did not achieve total satisfaction doesn't count. 

20. An act in which no kissing takes place doesn't count, because it isn't considered intimate. 

21. An act in which "you do all the work" doesn't count. That's work! 

22. An act committed with your next door neighbor doesn't count. This should be referred to as "being 
neighborly." 

23. An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other doesn't 
count. Well, you were angry, and everyone knows no one is responsible for their own feelings. See rule 
#14. 

25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count. This should be considered "getting 
acquainted." 

26. An act with a US President, doesn't count, unless the Senate votes to impeach. 

27. An act with your boss, doesn't count. This is just considered career enhancement and/or additional 
employee benefits. 

WARNING: Any sex that results in pregnancy, or a social disease DOES count, since such things provide 
constant reminders. 

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 The Redneck

A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I
need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' dem rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."

To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by
themselves."

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Penis Facts

THE LONG AND THE SHORT: According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest 
erect penis on record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at 
1 3/4 inches.

HOTDOG HELPERS: The Caramoja tribe of northern Uganda tie a weight on 
the end of their penises to elongate them--sometimes to such a degree 
that the men literally have to knot them up--while the Mambas of New 
Hebrides wrap theirs in yards and yards of cloth, making them look up 
to 17 inches long.

DOUBLE TROUBLE: In 1609, a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in Bologna 
with two penises. Since then, there have been eighty documented cases of 
men similarly endowed. CAN YOU IMAGINE LADIES? (HE-HE)

SO LONG THE NIGHT: Among the Mangaians of Polynesia, 18-year-old couples 
make love an average of three times a night, every night, until their 
thirties, when the weekly average drops to a mere 14.

FAST LANE: The maximum speed at which erotic sensations travel from skin 
to brain has been clocked at 156 miles per hour.

COITUS SEMI-INTERRUPTUS: A honeymooning couple are suing Holiday Inn for 
ten thousand dollars, claiming their sex life is now dysfunctional because 
an employee mistakenly walked in on them on their wedding night.

LES LIAISONS DANGEREUSES: At least 500 Americans die each year from 
asphyxia in an attempt to lessen oxygen flow to the brain in order to 
induce a more powerful orgasm.

NOBLESSE OBLIGE: England's King Edward VII, a man of considerable heft, 
had a special table built so that he could comfortably engage in sexual 
intercourse.

WORKS FOR ME...: It was considered elegant for aristocratic ladies of the
sixteenth century to let their pubic hair grow as long as possible so it 
could be pomaded and adorned with bows and ribbon.

NEWS "FLASH": In fourteenth-century Europe, high-ranking noblemen were
permitted to display their genitals below a short tunic, while those not
impressively endowed could, if they chose, wear a leather falsie called 
a braquette.

MISSIONARIES TAKE NOTE: Given today's average frequency of sexual
intercourse, it would take the typical American couple more than four 
years to try every one of the 529 positions described in the Kama Sutra.

GALLIC WAY OF DEATH: French President Francois Faure expired in a 
bordello in 1899 during the act of copulation, which so terrified his lady 
of the evening that her vagina constricted intractably, necessitating the 
surgical removal of the dead man's member.

JUST SAY HOWDY: When men of the Walibri tribe of central Australia greet 
each other, they shake penises instead of hands.

BONBON MOTS: "There may be some things that are better than sex, and there
may be some things that are worse." 

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A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had
a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she
might have something wrong with her, so she decided to
employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well
known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK,
take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of
room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to
me." So she did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy
bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat
why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed
Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, "Ed
Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike
your butt."

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Bar Contest

There was this bar that was having a contest: the first man to make the horse laugh got 1000 dollars.

This weird looking man pays the 5 dollar entry fee and whispers something in the horses ear. The horse rolls over in laughter. The man takes his money and leaves. 

The next night, they had a contest to see who could make the horse cry. Again he paid 5 bucks and went over to the horse and nobody could see what he did, but the horse galloped out crying like a baby.

 He collected his reward and started out the door. The bartender asked how he did it. "well to make him laugh, I told him my dick was bigger than his, and to make him cry, I proved it."

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The Hard On

Martin woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter 
astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in 
two years. 

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his 
enormous boner. 

"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. 
"What do you think we ought to do with it?" 

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the 
wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it." 

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Three Worst Chinese Tortures Known To Man

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he
comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is
greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray
beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for
the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one condition.
If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will
inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known
to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be
pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was
young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was
obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't
keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and
went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it
no longer and snuck into her room for a night of
passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the
old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to
his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his
eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it
that read,

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the
best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry
about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and
threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another
note on it that read

"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a
panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already
getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones
was better than castration he jumped out of the window
after the boulder.

As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign
on the ground that read,

"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post.

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Old Men on Porch 

Two old men were sitting on a front porch just watching the sun shine and life passing by. Suddenly, a great Dane walks across their front lawn. The dog stops, lays down, and begins licking itself.

The first old man said, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that."

The other old man said, "I don't know. If I were you, I'd try petting him first."

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