The Problem:  The rug rats ( kids) just won't keep their yapper shut while you are watching one of your favorite TV shows.  (Springer, Oprah, Jenny,  Buffy the Vampire Slayer,  Wheel of Fortune or something really important like WWE Raw or Smackdown, during a bra and panties match.)

Solution:  Since most places maintain that it is illegal to shoot one's kids or those of a neighbor (even if they are desperate and offer you $25,000) non - lethal solutions will be offered here.

One of the easier solutions is offered here:

List of needed materials  (per person)

1 large Roll Duct Tape.  Color does not matter but with more than one child you may wish to get  different colors (this also makes it easier to identify them). It is advisable to get genuine brand as copy cat brands may not stick as good.

2 toilet paper tubes. (optional) disregard this step if you don't care if the rug rats are able to see or not)

2 plastic straws. Although length is not of any importance it is suggested that you cut them to about 3 inches in length.  (shorter lengths may have trouble  staying embedded in nasal cavities whereas a longer length may cause damage if the wearer bumps into a wall.)

1 Sock or handkerchief.  (unless you are really REALLY REALLY tee'd  off at him or her, it is suggested that the sock or handkerchief be clean.  (Not responsible for any diseases picked up from dirty material)

Tape  straws into nostrils of subject, wrapping strips of tape around  tube of straw to anchor in place.  If properly done, subject will be able to breathe properly without assistance although there may be a little noise.  ( This step may be avoided if flashing  car lights and steel bracelets are of no concern to you.)

Using same technique (if option is used) tape  toilet tissue tubes to eyes taking care to avoid puncturing eyeball. (doing so results in  enormous doctor bills that most normal citizens can only hope someday to pay off)

Shove sock  (dirty or clean) into mouth and quickly wrap 4-5 wraps around head (4-5 RAPS on the head may be required by this time to tranquilize subject to the point of cooperation. 

Using remainder of roll of tape thoroughly wrap head.  If desired you may leave ears open although it has been proven by you using this apparatus that they don't listen when they are told to shut up.

A variation of this would be to attach some type of hook with the tape (type depending on weight) and just hang kids by hook to the wall.  This way there will be less danger of breakage.

Note:  if you leave enough duct tape to run a  line down to  abdomen and wrap it a couple of times , ending in back, it will be very hard for subject to work loose even with hands unfettered.

It is understood that many of you don't have the time to purchase materials to build you own BE-Silent kit so I will offer you an option of purchasing one here at a reasonable price.

        Model                   Price                                      Description

Shipping and handling is $21.33 in the US except for Alaska and Hawaii  (add $12.99) No checks please.

Please add Applicable sales tax.   This will be considered a gratuity and not reported to anyone.

Here is an optional design for those  who wish a more permanent solution ( no, beating them to a pulp with a doggie treat would still be abuse) 

List of needed materials:

Duct tape.

2 plastic straws (used in same way as above,  the only difference being you want them full length, extra long would be better.

1 cardboard box large enough for head of subject to be completely enclosed , at least to neck level.

5 pound container of Plaster of Paris (or ready mix concrete)

Prepare breathing tubes as in first example, using minimal amount of tape. 

• Placing cardboard box on a flat surface prepare plaster of Paris or redi-mix per directions on package, mixing just enough for project, saving rest for future use on subject ( may have to re-treat 4-8 times over next 6 months till lesson sinks in.)  
• When mixture prepared,  place subject's head in box to at least neck level.  For ease of construction you may wish to rope  or tape feet together and hang them by feet from ceiling while you are completing this step.
• After placing head in box pour in  wet mixture, making sure breathing tubes are not fouled.  Fouling breathing tubes will without a doubt result in a visit by people with flashing lights mentioned above.
• After material sets lower feet and let subject go about normal activities.

Solution:  Although the solution above is a great one, you may wish to get some revenge on someone.  If that is the case the most feasible option would be something more satisfying to you.  This solution can be complicated or simple.  If you wish a complicated explanation a medium donation would be appreciated.  The simple version is being offered here for free.

    This solution assumes that your target lives within reasonable driving distance of you.  Preferably they have no idea of how to contact you, but if they do upon instigation of this gambit it may be advisable to start that sabbatical to Europe.

    First, early in the morning before your target wakes up go to their house and let the air out of all the tires of all their vehicles.  If you really cant stand the target (Mother in Law for instance)  bring  about a dozen tubes of super glue per car.  using a tube of glue per tire, glue tires to cement or asphalt.  [note:  THIS DOES NOT WORK WITH A SAND, GRAVEL, OR EARTH DRIVEWAY]  To make sure they cannot escape you may wish to glue the doors of the car shut and, if it is in a garage, glue the doors of the garage shut.   The next step might be a bit tricky because you must remove all cell phones from the property and disable the regular telephone line.  

    After returning to your residence detain the rug rats, handcuff them separately, duct tape mouth and place each one in large trunk after drilling  an appropriate number of air holes.  Note, 20,000 air holes are a bit too many for the majority of the trunks available for you to use, it is advisable to limit yourself to a maximum of 5 air holes.

    Place rug-rat filled trunks in rented van and take to target address, gluing  trunks to  porch and driveway with whatever kind of glue you have found that will bond to cement.

    After dumping packages  switch get away vehicles  and go back to where you have left your moving van full of household goods.  With a little luck you will be 2 states away before it is discovered you are gone.  [note: You may wish to leave a agent in the vicinity in case you wish to reclaim rug rats after they have been civilized and aged a few years] 

A variation of this option, and one that may be more pleasurable would be in the weeks preceding the events described above to quietly liquidate all your assets  and buy a ticket to Tahiti for you and your spouse ( assuming you are not planning to leave her behind ) This must be done under an assumed name, and to play it safe you should log on to the internet on the  leave behind computer (translation:  cheapie) and research ice fishing, igloo building and artic farming.  This will guarantee that if  police get involved that they will be following the wrong leads for at least 6 months, giving you plenty of time to switch identities 2 or 3 times.

The last option I am going to discuss on this topic is probably the simplest, but unfortunately it assumes that the rug rat is at least 17.  Sign permission slips for them to join the armed forces.  If necessary  you can contact IMAforger@stateprison.org for documents such as birth certificates  to ascertain that the inductee is seventeen  even though he looks twelve.  Be sure to leave a false paper trail back to him or you may be bunking with him in a couple of months.

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