| Do chickens think rubber humans are funny? Do cannibals get hungry one hour after eating a chinaman? Do people who play the washboard think they are playing an acoustic washing machine? Are women's birthday suits considered double breasted?? Why is it that toy assembly instructions So simple a child can assemble it Require a degree in Physics? If you had a glass eye would it fog over in the shower? If you were to use your car phone for sex should you call from the back seat? Will playing a Satanic message backwards turn a teen into a heavy metal worshiper?? Do French Soldiers use Dijon Mustard Gas? Isn't a Rosary just another name for a religeous abacus? If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it #2? If you are reading the newspaper and your pet bird sees you does it wonder why you are sitting there staring at the carpet? |
| Do cannibals get hungry one hour after eating a chinaman? Do people who play the washboard think they are playing an acoustic washing machine? Are women's birthday suits considered double breasted?? Why is it that toy assembly instructions So simple a child can assemble it Require a degree in Physics? If you had a glass eye would it fog over in the shower? If you were to use your car phone for sex should you call from the back seat? Will playing a Satanic message backwards turn a teen into a heavy metal worshiper?? Do French Soldiers use Dijon Mustard Gas? Isn't a Rosary just another name for a religeous abacus? If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it #2? If you are reading the newspaper and your pet bird sees you does it wonder why you are sitting there staring at the carpet? Why can't you stick food stamps on a letter? |
| Why can't you stick food stamps on a letter? Can a blind man be afraid of the dark? Can an adult die of DELAYED INFANT SYNDROME? Why is it that toy assembly instructions So simple a child can assemble it does NOT indicate that it has to be a child of 40?? Did PILGRIMS go on camping trips? How would a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty? If my signature was worth $500 and I bought something that cost $500 why couldn't I just write a personal check in the amount of $0.00 ? Could it be that the trickor treaters you see wearing sheets are really in a mattress costume? Do police sketch artists start out as those cops who outline dead bodies? Are Boulders statues of really big rocks? Why is a doctor's business considered PRACTICE? Didn't they study in college? You'd probably get a better score if you bowled during an earthquake. Why aren't they marketing mouse flavored cat food?? If architects are afraid to put a 13th floor on a building, why aren't book publishers afraid to add a chapter 11? Where were you when JFK was asassinated? Why do YOU need an alibi? There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. Why is “abbreviation” such a long word? Ever stop to think and forget to start again? Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from? I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons. Born free...Taxed to death. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Rehab is for quitters. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions God made morons to Piss me off! 4 Food Groups: Pizza, Coffee, Chocolate and Sex. Can you remember when air was clean and sex was dirty? Your'e making more noise than a pair of skeletons on a tin roof. FHLH You're not dumb, your academicaly challenged! You're only young once. You're immature forever. You'renotdrunkifyoudon't steponyourhandwalkingtoyourdoor Youth + confidence + myopia = naivete. |
You've got a mouth like an outboard motor... Putt putt puttity putt.. FHLH -On Guns "Assassination is the extreme form of censorship"-GB.Shaw BATF: Bureau of Assassins, Terrorists and Fire starters BATF: Bureau of Assassins, Terrorists, and Felons Mafia hires Pro Wrestlers to assassinate OJ - Nat. Enq. RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character. [P]olitical power grows out of the barrel of a gun. - Mao Tse Tung A big enough gun will adjust any attitude. America was FOUNDED by religious nuts with guns. Don't say during sex: Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? Don't trust a government that doesn't trust you with guns. Fear a government that fears your gun. Free bullets...free food...and it sure beats working for a living! GUN: A simple tool for transporting lead to a far off place! Guns equal power. And the government wants all the guns. If G. Washington grabbed guns like Clinton, where would we be now??!! If I shoot a mime, should I use a silencer? - s.w. If not for politicians, we wouldn't NEED assault rifles! If you HAVE a gun, you can afford to be POLITE! It doesn't matter what size the gun is, just how well it shoots. Politician's Don't Like Armed Peasants! Poor sex life? Get yourself a gun! Save gas: Commute by modem Take away our guns and we'll fight tyranny with rocks. Take Back Your Country: Shoot a Bureaucrat! The 1st country Hitler conquered ... was Germany with gun control. The 1st step to burglar-proof your home, Clean your gun. The 2nd Amendment: It's not about guns, it's about freedom. The Constitution protects the people from government. Guns ensure it. The government took my guns, I'm safer now, Thanks Fuhrer! The gun Clinton went duck hunting with would be banned. The prototype of all guns was a bow and bullet. They can have my guns...158 grains at a time! Those who beat their guns into plowshares'll plow for those who don't. Thought Crimes, Political Cleansing and Gun Control go hand in hand... Turned in all my guns and got an autographed picture of Jane Fonda!! Turned in my guns, all I got was these crummy leg-irons. TX Driving: To change lanes, first pull out your .357. Some fun bumper stickers seen in Texas..... Support Cannibalism - EAT ME! God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit. I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way. Keep honking while I reload. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G? Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other 2 it's an amusement park. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings. Jack Kevorkian for White House physician. Just say NO! to sex with pro-lifers. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... ...or something like that. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian! Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive. If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! * What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. * What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra. * How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. * How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb? She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment." * What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones. * What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese. * What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko. * What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist * What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table. * Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers. * Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss Cynics Guide to Life -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and... Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down. Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car! When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land. Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up. |
Q: What is a, hot, good looking , gorgeous blonde girl in India called?????? A: a tourist |