[ return to contents ]

The Question 

A teacher asked one of her pupils, "Can you name our nation's capital?" The reply was, "Washington DC" When asked what the "DC" stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!" `

[ return to contents ]

* "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
   Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

* "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the
   cow instead of the bull."

* "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do
  not breathe, you expire."

* "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

* "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries,
   vanes, and caterpillars."

* "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on
   them and makes them perspire."

* "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they
   look like umbrellas."

* "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the
   borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains
   the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and
   the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there
   are five - a, e, i, o and u."

* "Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

* "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

* "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and
   down to make Artificial Perspiration."

* "For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady,
   rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head
   between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

* "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

* "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water
   tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon,
   and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in
   this fight."

* "Equator: A managerie lion running around the
  Earth through Africa."

* "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

* "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

* "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow." 

[ return to contents ]

ON THE THIRD TEE.....

Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.
"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.

"What for?" asked his colleague.
"About $6,000."

"What did he have?"
"About $6,000." 
 

[ return to contents ]

Quickies

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN:   I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN:   All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

MOTHER:  Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR:  You said it was my lunch money.

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight
         oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

[ return to contents ]

THE OPERATION

The patient shook his head gingerly as he slowly regained consciousness. "Well, Doc..."

 he asked, "tell me was the operation a success?"

"Sorry, son," was the reply. "I'm afraid I'm not your doctor, I'm Saint Peter."
  
 [ return to contents ]

Chicken Farm 

One day the President and Mrs. Coolidge were visiting a 
government farm. Soon after their arrival, they were taken 
off on separate tours. When Mrs. Coolidge passed the chicken 
pens, she paused to ask the man in charge if the rooster 
copulates more than once each day. "Dozens of times," was 
the reply.

"Please tell that to the President," Mrs. Coolidge requested.

When the President passed the pens and was told about the 
roosters, he asked, "Same hen every time?"

"Oh no, Mr. President, a different one each time." The 
President nodded slowly, then said, 
"Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."  

[ return to contents ]

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:  My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

[ return to contents ]

BABY
---
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess
what?  We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.  "That's
interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change y to i and add es."

[ return to contents ]

THE PREACHER

A preacher decided to try and raise a little extra money for
his small congregation. He heard that money could be made
racing horses, so he went to the local auction sale to see what
he could buy. He found that the only thing he could afford
was a mule. Having faith, he purchased it and took it home
with him.

Using that same faith, he entered it in the local horse race. Much
to everyone's surprises, it came in third in it's race.

The next week, when the local racing sheet came out, the lead
headline read

    PREACHERS ASS SHOWS

Being encouraged by the results of the first race, the preacher
entered the races again. This time the mule won the race.

The next week, the local racing sheet came out with the headline

    PREACHERS ASS OUT IN FRONT

Someone showed these headlines to the preacher's bishop.
Understandably, he did not appreciate the type of attention
the headlines implied, so he told the preacher to quit racing
the mule. The preacher dutifully obeyed.

The next week, the local racing sheet came out with the headline

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHERS ASS

When the bishop saw this headline, he did not like this one at
all. He ordered the preacher to get rid of the mule. The preacher
gave it to a nun who lived nearby.

The next week, the local racing sheet came out with the headline

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

When the bishop saw this headline, he fainted. Later, when he had
sufficiently recovered, he ordered the nun to get rid of the mule
once and for all. She sold the mule to a traveling merchant for
ten dollars.

The next week, the local racing sheet came out with the headline

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

[ return to contents ]

Cracked

These two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon. While
they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male
egg away and said "I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a
minute." and off she went. Five minutes later the male egg saw his
sexy wife walk out in a slinky egglige, wiping her hands up and down
her smooth, oval body. Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on
the top of his head, covering it completely. The female egg looked at
him and asked what he was doing.

He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the
head with a spoon!"

[ return to contents ]

Undeniable Rules of Life!

  1. If you're too open minded, your brains fall out.
  2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in
a garage makes you a car.
  4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you haven't tried
before.
  6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
  7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.
22. By the time you've figured out how to make ends meet, the ends move.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make
them all yourself.
26. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an
appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

[ return to contents ]

THE TRUTH

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and
that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is 
greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and
says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get  home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole
truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very
pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy
greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says,
"Then come give your real father a big hug."

[ return to contents ]

Zipper

A woman was trying to board a bus, but her skirt was too tight and she couldn't step up. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper a bit and tried again.

The Skirt was still too tight. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper some more.

She still couldn't get on the bus and lowered the zipper a third time. All of the sudden, she felt two hands on her butt, which proceeded to push her up onto the bus.

She spun around, with anger in her eyes and said very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner!!"

The man smiled coyly and said, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"

[ return to contents ]

Memo

[ return to contents ]

Minister & Magician

The Minister And The Magician A minister was in a bad area of the country, income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, and the air conditioning didn't work. People simply wouldn't come because of the heat. And being so poor the church didn't have the money to pay to have repairs made.

He decided before he resigned that he would take a quick trip to gather his courage for telling these folks goodbye.

He went to Las Vegas and had just enough money to attend a cheap magic show. In the show the man was hypnotizing folks - making them act like chickens and monkeys. He was impressed. He met with the magician and asked him if he could teach him how to do this hypnotism thing. The man gave him a quick course and he couldn't wait to get back to his church. His first Sunday back, he told his audience that he wanted to tell them about his trip. Took out a watch and chain, and as he swung it back and forth, he talked softly as they went into a hypnotic trance. He then stated: I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20.00 in the plate. They did. He had the church's roof fixed that week. This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again. Taking his watch out he says I want to tell you some more things about my trip. This time he proclaimed, I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop a $100 in the offering plate. They did. He got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone. His third Sunday, he got to thinking. I haven't been paid in a long time. I deserve a little money. Pulling his watch out he starts the swinging again, and as he is softly speaking he starts thinking. I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I deserve a lot more. He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive that his hands start sweating and as the watch slips from his grip, he yells: "Shit!" ....Took him two weeks to clean up the church.

[ return to contents ]