Take this test to know whether or not you are ready to have kids. Take it
even if you have kids...it will make you laugh.
MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind
the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks).
Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to
walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a
child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as
you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or
damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making
sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the
ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an
airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug
on the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum
with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for
10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever
heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set
alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it
into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an
attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.
Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa
Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and
put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into
the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies.
Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the
car. There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to
notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the
head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the
store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last
time.
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The Secretary of State, the Honorable Colin Powell, during a recent trip to
the UN in New York was approached by an Iraqi news reporter, who asked:
"Is it true that only 13 percent of young Americans can even find Iraq on the map?"
The Secretary turned to the reporter with a smile and said: "Yes, that's true.
But the sad news for Iraq is that the 13 percent are all United
States Air Force bomber pilots and navigators."
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The Horseback Ride
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it
immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and
rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In
terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she
slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along,
seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away
from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot
becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the
horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over
and over. She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune,
Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
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| ROLL OUT THE BARREL.
Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned
to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure,
they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start
getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is
getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!"
The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take
the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them
on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."
"Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!"
"Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels
together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit
every time."
The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the
crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new
system and began filling barrel after barrel.
When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is
great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!'
This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that
very first port.
Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for
him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, "What's the meaning
of this?!"
"You sick bastard," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the
candle factory last time you passed through town?"
"Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!"
"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns
are pregnant!"
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| THE ZIPPER
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier
walked
up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a
phrase men
normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was
about
done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He
zipped up and
finished his shopping.
He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that
told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a
little fun
with her. When he reached her counter, he said, "When you saw my
barracks
door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"
The lady thought for a moment and said, "No,, I didn't. All I saw was
a
disabled vet sitting on two duffel bags!"
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|
Gay Bob
Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and
has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says
"Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have
AIDS."
Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I
do?"
"Eat 1 sausage,1 head of cabbage, 20
unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts
and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape Nuts cereal, and top it off
with a gallon of prune juice.
Bob asks, "Will that cure me,
Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should
leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is
for."
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ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS' HOSPITAL CHARTS
(Proves that those medical folks are right on top of things)
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only
40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might
like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. [Just how
big IS "circus sized"?]
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit
on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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|
One Night
After spending the night with young, sexy, passion woman. Sam rolled
over, and pulled a cigarette from his pants. He searched for his
lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer."
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches
sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the
guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
Thanks Michelle for this one.
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Tampons and Cigarettes
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He
answers
that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
ball of
string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for
some tampons for
your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my
wife to the
store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a
tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers. Because it is Soooooo much
cheaper.
So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!
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|
Blond I
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
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Martha Stewart Vs. Real Women
Martha's Way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar
cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the
cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your
feet up, eating it anyway.
Martha's Way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag
with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in
the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's Way #3: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan,
use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess
on the outside of the cake.
The Real Women's Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's Way #4: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's
stillcooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt
for an instant "fix me up."
The Real Women's Way: If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking,
that's too damn bad. Please recite with me the Real Women's Motto: "I
made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Martha's Way #5: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the
refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way: Celery? If it doesn't have calories, why keep it?
Martha's Way #6: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking
to yield a > beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg whites over the crust and so don't do it.
Martha's Way #7: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub
it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way: Take a lime, cut it in quarters and rub it on the
rim of a tall glass. Put lime in glass, fill with gin and tonic water and
sip until the throbbing goes away (repeat as required).
Martha's Way #8: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars
easy.
The Real Women's Way: Go ask the cute neighbor to do it.
And finally...
Martha's Way #9: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice
cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way: Leftover wine?
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Blond II
A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
The blonde reported for her university final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet -Yes for heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers."
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Q. There are three girls, all in third grade: one a brunette, one a redhead, and one a blonde. Which one of them has the best body? A. The blonde, because she's 19 years old.
Q. How do you measure a blonde's I.Q.? A. With a tire gauge.
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|
The Lunch
George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a lunch at a fancy Washington
restaurant. Their waitress approaches their table to take their order,
she is young and very attractive. She asks Cheney what he wants, and he
replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad."
"Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do
you want, Mr. President?"
Bush answers, "How about a quickie?"
Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and
disappointed in you. I thought you were bringing in a new administration
that was committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for
you."
With that, the waitress departed in a huff.
Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, "Mr. President, I believe that's
pronounced 'quiche.'"
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Rodney Dangerfield's 21 Best One Liners
1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had
nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's
home." I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other
night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I
said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because
you came home early."
5 It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm
afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept
covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me
that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came
with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my
father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He
said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big
I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I
look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He
said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my
kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19.Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a
pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the
paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in
the electric chair.
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Blond III
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
A blonde and a brunette are walking along in a park. The brunette says
suddenly, "Awwww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and
says, "Where?"
A blonde sent a post card home: It read:-
"Having a wonderful time...Where am I?"
What do you call a blonde in a library?
Lost.
What's the definition of 'Gross Ignorance?'
144 blondes.
What is 20/20?
The IQ of blonde twins.
How can one tell when a blonde is a good cook?
When the blonde serves the poptart in one piece.
How can you tell if the blonde biker is an aristocrat?
No spelling errors on her tattoo's.
Hear about the blonde who tried playing water polo?
She drowned her horse.
A blond wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,
and finally, after getting all the necessary
"tools" together, she made for
the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started
to make a
circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly ---from the sky--- a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blond moved further down the ice, poured a
Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again, from the
heavens, the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Blond, now quite
worried, moved way down to the opposite
end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The
voice
came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that
you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Rink Manager!"
Three Blondes on an Island
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears
and offers to grant each one of them a wish.
The first blond asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a
brown haired woman and swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent that the previous one, so
instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds
a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the
previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across
the bridge.
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Hail Mary
"Father, it has been one month since my last
confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green
every week for the last month".
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go
out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father,
it has been two months since my last confession.
I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for
the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is "Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner
replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail
Mary's."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing
to deliver his sermon when, suddenly, a gorgeous,
tall woman enters. All the men's eyes fall upon
her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits
down right in front of the priest. Her dress
is green and very short, with matching, shiny
emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the
matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs
slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that
Nookie Green?"
The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his
head, replies, "No,Father,
I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"
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Hot Phone
---------
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor
asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered,
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead
of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron
and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what
happened to your other ear?"
"The jerk called back!"
|
Snowstorm A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't
panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once
told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait
for a snow plow to come by and follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started
to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five
minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked
her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had
told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a
plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart
parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?
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Pen Run
Sheriff's deputies were chasing two crooks in and out of
traffic lanes at high speed near Baton Rouge. Despite all
their evasive maneuvers, the pair were unable to shake
their pursuers until they made a right turn down a one way
street. The cruiser behind rolled to a stop, the deputies
inside laughing loudly. A second later came the crash...as
the crooks rammed their getaway car head on into the gates
of the Louisiana State Penitentiary.
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