Pulled Over A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above  the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his  rear view mirror. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy!" so he floors it and the race is  on. The cars race down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures, "What the  heck..."  and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches  the  car.  He leans down and says, "Listen Mister, I've had a really lousy day, and  I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago,  my  wife  ran off with a police officer. When I saw  your  cruiser  in  my  rear  view mirror, I thought you were trying to give her back to me! The cop left with a smile on his face.....EXCUSED [ return to contents ]

The Laziest A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply. [ return to contents ]

Tech Support Thanks for the e-mail, Renee! A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty. Tech: "What's the problem?" User: "There is smoke coming out of the power supply." Tech: "You'll need a new power supply." User: "No I don't! I just need to change the startup files." Tech: "Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it." User: "No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and  it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command." 10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that they are right. The Tech is  frustrated and fed up. Tech: "Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is  an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem." User: "I knew it!" Tech: "Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let  me know how it goes." 10 minutes later. User: "It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking." Tech: "Well, what version of DOS are you using?" User: "MS-DOS 6.22." Tech: "That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with  NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes." 1 hour later. User: "I need a new power supply." Tech: "How did you come to that conclusion?" User: "Well, I rang Microsoft and told him all about what you said, and he  started asking questions about the make of power supply." Tech: "Then what did he say?" User: "He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE." [ return to contents ]

------------------------------------------------------------ The Businessman's Deathbed ------------------------------------------------------------ A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything." [ return to contents ]

Smart Pooch A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please." The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him. The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"[ return to contents ]

This could only happen in California....(true story) Car jacking Foiled: An elderly lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car found 4 males sitting in the car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required... so get out of the car! The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.  Small problem: her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down. She reloaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 very pale males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman... no charges were filed.  [ return to contents ]

Diseased A son and father went to see a doctor, since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer. The father, who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said "Son, even on this gloomy day, it's our tradition to drink to health as it is in death; so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise." Reluctantly, the son follows his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father sees some old friends and tells them he is dying from AIDS. Shocked, the son turns to his father and says, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from it is cancer, why did you lie to those men?" The father reply's "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don't want those guys sleeping with your mother when I'm gone."  [ return to contents ]

HEAVEN'S FULL One day, Heaven suddenly became extremely full, and something had to be done. So The Lord decided to have St. Peter wait at the gate and ask everyone how they died. If it was a grisly story they told, they could go ahead into Heaven. But if not, they had to go to Hell. The first man walks up and St. Peter tells him what's happening. "You see, Heaven is quite full today, and we have to ask everyone how they died. If it sounds good, you can go ahead. But if not, you go to Hell." "Ok," the man says. "Well, for awhile I've been suspecting my wife of cheating on me. So today I thought I'd leave work early and catch her. Sure enough, I got to my apartment building and she was lying naked on the bed. I ran all over the apartment searching for the man but couldn't find him. Then I remembered that we live on the 25th floor of an apartment building, and we have a balcony. And there was the man, hanging off my balcony. I beat at his hands and he just wouldn't let go, so I ran and got a hammer and beat his hands until he fell into the bushes below. I saw he was still alive so I got the refrigerator and pushed over the edge on top of him. But the strain of the effort gave me a heart attack and I died. "Wow!" St. Peter said. "That really is bad! You can go ahead..." The next man walked up and St. Peter gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story. "Ok," the second man said. "So I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building, and everyday I do exercises on my balcony. Well, today I fell over the edge, but luckily I caught the railing of the balcony below me. But suddenly, this man came running out and started beating at my hands. He ran back inside and I thought I was safe, but then he came back out with hammer and beat my hands again. I finally fell off, but luckily I landed in the bushes below and they saved my life. But that wasn't enough for the man because he pushed his refrigerator over the edge and it landed on me and killed me. And now I'm here." "Wow, that's a good one too! You can go ahead..." The third man walked up and St. Peter again gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story of how he died. "Ok," the third man said. "I don't know what happened. I was hiding naked inside of a refrigerator..."  [ return to contents ]

The Beers Pete frequented a local New York bar after work. One day he decided to satisfy his curiosity by asking Joe, the bartender, that was up with the fellow who sits at the end of the bar everyday, drinking three beers simultaneously.  Joe says, "That's Frank. Frank recently moved here from L.A. He was really close to his two younger brothers, with whom he would often go drinking after a hard day's work. In their honor, he drinks one for each of them, along with his own.  He claims it eases the homesickness." Well, Pete could certainly respect that sort of family closeness. One day, Pete walked in and noticed Frank sitting in front of only two beers. Fearing the worst, Pete asked Joe if something had happened to one of Frank's brothers. "Oh, no, nothing like that," Joe replied. "Frank's wife made him quit drinking!"     [ return to contents ]

Golden Oldie An elderly couple were having dinner at another couple's house and after their meal, the wives left the table to go to the kitchen. The two elderly men were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant that I'd highly recommend." The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?" His friend replies: "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says. His friend suggest "The poppy?" "No, no, no" growls the man. "You know - the one that is red and has thorns." His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"  [ return to contents ]

Painting Nuns Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent. The last instruction they receive from the Mother Superior is that they  must  not get even one drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the  nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock on the door.  "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug. Deciding that no harm can  come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the  door. "Nice boobs," says the man as he steps inside, "where do you want the blinds?" [ return to contents ]

YOUNG LOVE ============= A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."     [ return to contents ]

Wedding Anniversary The man and woman had been married for 50 years and it was their wedding anniversary. The wife asked her husband what he wanted for an anniversary present.  He thought for a few minutes and then stated that, for years now, he has wondered what she kept in that locked drawer in her bureau. She had kept it locked since they were married and he was dying to find out what it was. The wife thought about it for a moment, then agreed. She went over and unlocked the drawer. And there inside was what appeared to be thousands of dollars. The drawer was completely full of money. And on top of the pile was three eggs. Now the husband is really curious and he asks her what the three eggs were for. She told him that any time she had been unfaithful to him during their marriage, she had placed an egg in the drawer to remind her of what she had done. At first, the man was devastated. He felt betrayed by her transgression. But the more he thought about it...after all...it HAD been fifty years and there WERE only three eggs. he decided to forgive her and told her so.  Then he asked what all the money was from and his wife replied, "Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them!"     [ return to contents ]

Steve passed these along For the Ladies He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've    got nothing to put in it.    She said . . . You wear pants don't you?      He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make   love to you really badly.   She said . . . Well, you succeeded!      He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?    She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board    while I sit on the sofa and pass gas!    He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money    I gave you?    She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!    He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?    She said . . . I would but you're never there.    On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me    everywhere"    Written just below it . . . " I do not!"    Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it      take  to do the dishes?    A. Both of them.    Q. Why did the man cross the road?    A. He heard the chicken was a pig.    Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?    A. They don't have time.    Q. What do men and sperm have in common?    A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human      being.    Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?    A. He buys two cases of beer.    Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?    A. The bonds mature.    Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?    A. So men can remember them.    Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?    A. We don't know; it has never happened.    Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and         good-looking?    A. They already have boyfriends.    Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?    A. A widow.    Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?    A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.         Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.    Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in        common?    A. They're married.     Man says to God: "God, why d!id you make woman so beautiful?"     God says: "So you would love her."    "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"     God says: "So she would love you." [ return to contents ]

Murphy's Top 10 Laws of Computing 1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you     meant it to happen. 2. When you get to the point where you really understand     your computer, it's probably obsolete. 3. The first place to look for information is in the     section of the manual where you'd least expect to find     it. 4. When the going gets tough, upgrade. 5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite     malfunction. 6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your     mistakes is even more human, its downright natural. 7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up. 8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer    solutions. 9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found     to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just     fine. 10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to      do, but rarely what you want it to do. [ return to contents ]

Quitter A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held. "I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job." "Yes," says the man. "Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that." "Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter." [ return to contents ]

Hmmmmm What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mom. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How do you know when you're really ugly? Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, what do single guys have? Palm Sunday. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts? Her navel. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? Bingo machine. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people could have sex, too. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo? A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's the Cuban National Anthem? Row, row, row your boat. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit." [ return to contents ]

Dead Dog A man went to a pub with his Great Dane and when he arrived,  he tied the dog up outside and went in to have a beer.  A few minutes later, another fellow walked in and said, "Is  that your dog outside?" "Yes. What of it?" said the first man. "I'm sorry, but I think my dog may have killed him." "What kind of dog you got that can kill a Great Dane?" said  the first man stunned. "Well, he's a Chihuahua." "Ha! How can a Chihuahua kill a Great Dane?" "I think he may have gotten stuck in his throat." said the  second man. [ return to contents ]

BAKED BEANS Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.  He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love.  When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.  On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.  All the way home he putt-putted.  By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited.  She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.  Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.  She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity.  He shifted his weight to one leg and let go.  It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg.  He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the  air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!!  It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.  He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the  table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.  Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.  After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.   [ return to contents ]

ON MARRIAGE "Were you ever happily married?"   "Yeah, but since the divorce, I just lease!" ++++++++   Always remember, a marriage license is important: Without it, you can't get a divorce! ++++++++   Marriage is a knot tied by the minister and untied by a lawyer. ++++++++   A wife lasts as long as a marriage: An ex-wife lasts forever! ++++++++   "So, why did you and your wife get divorced?"   "Because we lived in a two story house."   "Why would you get divorced because of that?"   "One story was, 'Not tonight, I've got a headache,' and the other one was, 'Sorry, but it's that time of the month.'" ++++++++   Divorce is the future tense of marriage. ++++++++   It used to be a woman would marry a man for his money: Nowadays she divorces him for the same thing. ++++++++   Woman to her divorce lawyer: "My husband once told me that every- thing of his was mine. Now, I want it!" ++++++++   Divorce starts with engagement. ++++++++   Say what you will about Henry VIII, but he sure figured out how to get around those pesky alimony laws. ++++++++   "My mother-in-law broke up my marriage."   "Mine, too. My wife caught us in bed together!"   "Funny, that's what my husband did!" ++++++++   Did you hear about the woman that filed for divorce after she had twelve kids? The reason she put in the divorce papers was for extreme compatibility! ++++++++   I know a guy that just got divorced. They split the house in half: She got the inside! ++++++++   "I don't care if my husband leaves me," said the young wife of her mate. "Just so long as he leaves me enough!" ++++++++   You just can't win: One guy got a divorce from his wife because of housework - she didn't like the way he did it! ++++++++ DIVORCE: Proof that while you can't buy love, you still end up paying through the nose for it! ++++++++   Browbeaten Bob once told me that his marriage was secure. "My wife would never file for divorce from me: She'd never do anything to make me happy!" [ return to contents ]

Tom S gets credit for this one.  Talking Politics A first grade teacher explained to her class that she was a liberal Democrat. She then asked her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats, too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to please their teacher, hands exploded into the air like fleshy fireworks. There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asked Lucy why she decided to be different. "Because I'm not a liberal Democrat," Lucy said. The teacher asked, "Then what are you?" "I'm a proud conservative Republican" said the little girl. The teacher, a little perturbed and red-faced, asked Lucy why she was A conservative Republican? Lucy proclaimed, "Well, I was brought up to trust in myself and freedom, instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too." The teacher calmly pointed out, "That's no reason. What if your Mom and Dad were both morons? What would you be then?" Lucy answered, "Then, I'd be a liberal Democrat." [ return to contents ]

Confession Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her  side.  He  held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her  pale  lips moved. "Jake," she said. "Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess." "There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's  all  right. Everything's all right." "No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake,  that  I  have  been unfaithful to you." Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it", he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"   [ return to contents ]

STRANGE BUT TRUE DEATHS Here supposedly are true accounts of crazy deaths.  JUST PLAIN BAD LUCK -------------------- A fierce gust of wind blew  45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983.  He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him. ALWAYS LOOK BOTH WAYS --------------------- Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him. TAKE NOVOCAINE --------------- Walter Hallas,  a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw.  The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull. NEVER RETURN TO THE SCENE -------------------------- George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall.  After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files.  The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him. POOR SUCKER -------------- Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981.  His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor.  It went off and killed his wife. CHECK THE PULSE FIRST ----------------------- In 1983, Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease.  As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up.  Her daughter dropped dead of fright. FRAUD DOESN'T PAY ------------------- A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money.  The car rolled forward and crushed him to death. [ return to contents ]