| Avenge yourselves; live long enough to become a problem to your children. |
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Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an
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1. If a man employs you to be the driver of his rented vans, and the routes include major landmarks like the UN building, be sure you take the job. Often service employment has great benefits. 2. If you come home and your girlfriend is with another lover that is twice your size try to ignore him or at last avoid threatening him for five days. After that the waiting period on your hand gun will be over with. 3. Remember, when a woman in a short, sequined skirt approaches you on a street corner and asks for a good time, direct her to the nearest Disney Store as it always seems to be full of happiness. 4. If a dirty bum offers to sell you some “rock” go ahead and buy it. You'll be performing a philanthropic act while getting a new addition to your geology collection. Maybe one day you could file it down and have it put on a ring. 5. If a fundamentalist Bible belt minister tells you that you are the anti-christ don't take it personally. Put it on a business card, maybe you can make a business connection with other underworld entities.
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An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him TLB sent this one. Thanks! |
A day without sunshine is like, night. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the wrong way. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. He who hesitates is probably right. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (OR GOLF!) The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. A fool and his money are soon partying. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Always try to be modest. And be proud of it! If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands... Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals." Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. Plan for the future, but live in the present moment. It's the only life you have. Success is a journey, not a destination, enjoy the trip! Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. --Goethe by P.N. [ return to contents ] |
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Where can I get some Jet Fuel? A couple of drinking buddies, who are United Airplane mechanics, are in a hanger at San Francisco airport. The runway is fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" The second guy says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, that it will kinda give you a buzz." So they do drink it, get smashed and have a beautiful time ... as only drinking buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up figuring that his head will explode if he gets up. Nevertheless, he gets up and is surprised to find that he feels good; in fact, he feels great ... no hangover! The phone rings. It's his buddy asking him how he feels. "I feel great!" he says. His buddy agrees, saying, "I feel great too! You don't have a hangover either?" "No," he replies. "That jet fuel is great stuff ... no hangover. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Did you fart yet?" "No..." "Well...don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!" [ return to contents ]
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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, |
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Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m., While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while.. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV ! (MADE IN MEXICO), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA......
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* Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. * Dr. Seuss and Kurt Vonnegut went to college together. They were even in the same fraternity, where Seuss decorated the fraternity house walls with drawings of his strange characters. * The Les Nessman character on the TV series WKRP in Cincinnati wore a band-aid in every episode. Either on himself, his glasses, or his clothing. * John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette Show" was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." * Beelzebub, another name for the devil, is Hebrew for "Lord of the Flies", and this is where the book's title comes from. * The term "devil's advocate" comes from the Roman Catholic church. When deciding if someone should be sainted, a devil's advocate is always appointed to give an alternative view. * Before Prohibition, Shlitz Brewery owned more property in Chicago than anyone else, except The Catholic Church. * It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is 'shake' and the 46th word from the last word is 'spear'. * In 1986 Danny Heep became the first player in a World Series to be a designated hitter (DH) with the initials "D.H." * In the four major US professional sports, (Baseball, Basketball, Football, and Hockey), there are only seven teams whose nicknames do not end with an "S:" Basketball: The Miami Heat, The Utah Jazz, The Orlando Magic. Baseball: The Boston Red Sox, The Chicago White Sox. Hockey: The Colorado Avlanche, The Tampa Bay Lightning. Football: None. * In 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put a man on the moon before I hit a home run." On July 20, 1969, a few hours after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Gaylord Perry hit his first, and only, home run. * When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home to a sellout crowd, the full stadium becomes the state's third largest city. * Kermit the Frog is left-handed. * The lifespan of a tastebud is ten days. * Non-dairy creamer is flammable. * The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of "F". * If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom. |
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An
Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one
hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He
says to the waiter, "Me want coffee. "The
waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets
the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and
the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket
of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with
the shotgun, then just walks out. The
next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun
in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other. He
walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me
want coffee. "The waiter says, "Whoa,
Tonto. We're still cleaning
up your mess from the last time you were here. What
the heck was all that about, anyway"? The
Indian says, "Me
in training for Executive Management job. Drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for rest of the day." |
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Tom was on the side of the road and noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse about 50 feet back. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind that were 200 men walking single file. Tom couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife." Tom asked, "What happened to her?" The man replied "My dog bit her and she died." Tom inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned and bit her and she died." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Tom asks, "Sir, could I borrow that dog?" He replied, "Get in line". |
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A
bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the "Oh,"
replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the "
Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the I.R.S. " ..and about once a
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When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me." |
From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." Real court
transcriptions, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son -- the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school
for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved
in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your
red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
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Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses
by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses
given by insightful witnesses:
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel
AND SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST:
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
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Toward
the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods
finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. |
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Tommy gets thanks for sending this one to me!
A high school English teacher reminds her class of
tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
It took 15 minutes for the class to come to
order...
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A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?". "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." "That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door." |
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There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee
the future.
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A bus stops
and two Italian men get on. They sit down
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Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and
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1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little
printed |
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Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock football game.
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Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? Most people believe it originated in Switzerland, but here's the real version...
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.
"What?" shouted the farmer as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
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