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A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask." The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?" The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?" |
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.", "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" ......"Yes, I think so." "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ......"Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." ......"Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because the power's out." "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer." |
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One hot sunny summer day, Tim and Don decided to go and spend the |
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Leaving a bayou in Southern Louisiana well known for its fishing, |
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A guy goes to the doctor. He says, |
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Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients
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FOUR strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp. As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin. In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts. The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?" The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?" The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark. And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!" |
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Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying. "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!" |
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.' The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Paint my house.' [ return to contents ] |
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An insect repellent salesman, traveling through the countryside, |
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Steven Spielberg was filming his latest movie in the heart of the
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1) Cats do what they want. 2) They rarely listen to you. 3) They're totally unpredictable. 4) They whine when they are not happy. 5) When you want to play, they want to be alone. 6) When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7) They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8) They're moody. 9) They leave hair everywhere. 10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats. [ return to contents ] |
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IDIOT
ALERT! IDIOT ALERT! IDIOT ALERT! IDIOT ALERT! IDIOT ALERT! IDIOT ALERT! IDIOTS IN SERVICE: |
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One day, a man rubbed a lamp. A genie popped out of the lamp and said, "You have three wishes. I will grant whatever you wish for, but remember, every politician in the world gets twice as much as you wish for, so be careful what you wish for." The man said, "that's easy! I want a million dollars." A big pile of cash appeared in front of him. "Now, each politician has two million. The man said, "never mind! I am happy as long as I have my million. Now, I want a Mercedes." A red Mercedes appeared in front of him and the genie said, "Now, each politician has two of these." The man was happier than ever. He thought about his last wish, and said, "You know, I have always wanted to donate a kidney..." [ return to contents ] |
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"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately." "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft." "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight." |
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Do you believe in life after death?" a boss asked one
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Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself
to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a
glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front
of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is
in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love
you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast
and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A. M., drunk
and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a
black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and
so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, 'Lady leave me
alone, I'm married'"
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A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon
arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and
sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her
address, JennJohn@world.net.
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended
up going to JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of
a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The
preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted. It
read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!" |
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids Bad: You can't find your birth control pills Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them Good: Your son studies a lot in his room Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there Ugly: You're in them Good: Your husband understands fashion Bad: He's a cross dresser Ugly: He looks better than you Good: Your son's finally maturing Bad: He's involved with the woman next door Ugly: So are you Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting Ugly: With corrections Good: Your wife's not talking to you Bad: She wants a divorce Ugly: She's a lawyer Good: The postman's early Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47 Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas |
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While
trying to escape from Baghdad, Saddam found a bottle in the desert and picked it
up. |
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I
was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and, being so much
in love, decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends
encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing
bothering me, very much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She
was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, but who sometimes
flirted with me, which made me feel very uncomfortable. One
day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So
I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was
to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she
wanted to make love to me just once.. What
could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll
go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I
stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I
opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her
husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we
are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have
asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. Moral
of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car
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LOG ON - Making da wood stove hotter LOG OFF - Don't add wood MONITOR - Keep an eye on da wood stove MEGA HERTZ - When a big log drops on your bare foot in da morning FLOPPY DISK - What you get from piling too much wood RAM - Da hydraulic thing that makes da woodsplitter work DRIVE - Getting home during most of the winter in Yooperland PROMPT - What you wish da mail was during the snow season ENTER - Come on in WINDOWS - What you shut when it gets 10 below SCREEN - A must during black fly season CHIP - What you munch during Packer games MICROCHIP - What's left in da bag when da chips are gone MODEM - What you did to da hay fields last July DOT MATRIX - oh dats Eino Matrix's wife LAPTOP- Where da grandkids sit KEYBOARD - Where you're supposed to put da keys so da wife can find em SOFTWARE - Them plastic picnic utensils, eh? MOUSE - What leaves those little turds in da cupboard MAINFRAME - Da part of da sauna that holds up da roof PORT - Where da commercial fishin boats dock RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY - When you can't remember how much you spent on da new deer rifle when Wife asks about it [ return to contents ] |
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I don't know who wrote the below dialogue but I commend him on it. This is great revenge! One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does
most of
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The people who started college this year were born in 1980. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era and did not know he had ever been shot. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression. There has only been one Pope. They can only really remember one president. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie. CCCP is just a bunch of letters. They have only known one Germany. They are too young to remember the Space shuttle blowing up. Tienamin Square means nothing to them. They do not know who Momar Qadafi is. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. They never had a Polio shot and likely do not know what it is. Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic. They have no idea what a pull top can looks like. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them. They have never owned a record Player. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong. Star Wars looks very fake, and the special effects are pathetic. There have always been red M&M's, and blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones? They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably have never actually seen or heard one. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents. Zip codes have always had a dash in them. They have always had an answering machine. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV. They have always had cable. There have always been VCR's, but they have no idea what Beta is. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. They were born the year that Walkman were introduced by Sony. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them. They have never heard of King Cola, Burger Chef, Jack-in-the-Box, The Globe Democrat, Pan AM or Ozark Airlines. The Tonight Show has always been hosted by Jay Leno. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave. They have never seen and remember a game that included the St. Louis Football Cardinals, Baltimore Colts, Minnesota North Stars, Kansas City Kings, New Orleans Jazz, Minneapolis Lakers, Atlanta Flames, Kansas City Scouts, Cleveland Barons, California Golden Seals, or Colorado Rockies (NHL hockey, that is). They do not consider the Seattle Mariners, Toronto Blue Jays, Colorado Rockies (MLB baseball), Florida Marlins, Orlando Magic, Miami Heat, Minnesota Timberwolves, Toronto Raptors, Florida Panthers, Ottawa Senators, San Jose Sharks, or Tampa Bay Lightning "expansion teams." They don't know that Wayne Gretzky started in the WHA. WHA? ABA? They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII or even the Civil War. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard the terms "Where's the beef?", "I'd Walk a mile for Camel", or "de plane, de plane!". They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is. The Cosby Show, The Facts of Life, Silver Spoons, The Love Boat, Miami Vice, WKRP in Cincinnati, Soap, and Taxi are shows they have likely never seen. The Titanic was found? I didn't know it was lost. Michael Jackson has always been white. They cannot remember the St. Louis Cardinals or Detroit Tigers ever winning a World Series, or even being in one. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups. McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers. Do you feel old now? Remember, the people who don't know these things are in college this year, and get to vote knowledgeably about your future. |