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I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of
adventure. |
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A
long time
ago, Britain and France were at war. Don't
you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?" In
his
bland English way, the Major informed the general that the reason English
officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show
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The
Israelis and Arabs finally realized that, if they continued The
losing side would have to lay down its arms. When
the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up "We
had our top plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator
look like a Dachshund. |
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A Frenchman, an Englishman and a redneck are
captured by a fierce tribe of Indians. The chief walks up to them and
says, "I have bad news and good news. The bad news is you will die,
and we will use your skin to make canoes. The good news is you can
choose the way you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." When given the poison, the Frenchman shouts, "Viva la France!" and drinks it down. ! The Englishman says, "A pistol for me." When given the pistol, the Englishman puts the gun to his head and shouts, "God save the queen!" and shoots himself in the head. The redneck asks for a fork. Puzzled, the chief hands the redneck a fork, and he begins stabbing himself all over his body, his stomach, his sides, his chest .... everywhere. As the blood from the redneck begins gushing out all over, the chief is appalled and screams, "What are you doing?" The redneck looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe." |
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Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee," Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?" The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiing."
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of
vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So, the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of
the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note
on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
"Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:
"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's,
not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way. After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a 30 minutes late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workmen were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Nevertheless, he opened his book and read the service.
When returning to his car, the preacher overheard one of
the workman say, "Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic
tank."
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There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter! After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every
time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!! |
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I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting there reading this. |
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In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died. Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail. The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going. The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!". Saint Peter replied "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?" The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth. St Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but St Peter would not change his mind. So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door.
"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I
do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained
that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he
needed it back. The bartender replied "I would really like to
help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail
spirits after hours!" |
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A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?" He said, "Damn if I know." She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?" "Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know." The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it!"
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Ole and Sven are neighbors in Minnesota. Ole is in need of a new |
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A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said "no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler." |
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These are taken from resumes and cover letters that were printed in the
July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine. The spelling is exactly the way it appeared
in the magazine.
1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
5. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12."Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to
my resume on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist.But since I possess no training in meterology,
I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
19. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
21. "Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit
a job."
22. "Marital status: often.Children: various."
23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by
8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions."
24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26. "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
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A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his
49-year-old |
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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, |
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When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher. "Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then press the trigger to release the foam." Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin. The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"
In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin.... and hurled
the extinguisher at the blaze. |
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A man walks into a pub.
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A physician told this story about her 4-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Be still, my heart," she thought, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the end of the instrument: "Welcome
to McDonald's. May I take your order?" |
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The following announcements, believe it or not, have supposedly appeared in church bulletins around the country: 1) Don't let worry kill you--let the church help. 2) Thursday night-Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 7) Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 8) Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. 9) Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study. 10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to>> come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 11) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 12) Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so. 13) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 14) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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the first person to smoke a cigarette... Rachel, she lit off her camel... the first person to play tennis...David, he served in the courts of Saul... the first reference to motorcycles...King David's triumph was heard through out the land... the smallest person...Peter, he slept on his watch... |
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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim |
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An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Spokane Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived." "Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life." The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "'ello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?" "Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget- me Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than ''ello mate.') On his return to the Spokane Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick. "How?" said the Aussie. "Scrambled," said the Chief. |