Actual Sentences	A SUPPOSED TRUE FINALS STORY	Attraction
Award	Drunk and the Barman	EXPERIENCED PARROT
GENERAL ISSUE	How to Write Good	MUSTARD STATEMENT
Night After Christmas	OOPS	Perfect
Prisoner of Love	Sexual Advances	Skiing
Spelling and grammar errors	The Affair	The Blonde & the Coke Machine
The Name	The Radio

Just a Thought.....

What If Saddam Hussein survived the bombing last week, but lost a leg ?

How pissed-off do you think his doubles would be?

Prisoner of Love A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing. "What's wrong with you?" She asked him. "Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison." Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?" "I would have gotten out today." [ return to contents ]

Spelling and grammar errors Spelling and grammar errors found on chart review at a hospital on the east coast - The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. - The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. - Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. - The skin was moist and dry. - Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. - The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. - She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. - Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. - The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. - I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. - The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner. - Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress. - Patient was alert and unresponsive. - When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. - The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. - Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles. - Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. - She is numb from her toes down. - Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. - While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. - The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. - The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. - Coming from Detroit, this man has no children [ return to contents ]

The Blonde & the Coke Machine There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning." [ return to contents ]

Night After Christmas (not sure but this sounds like something Jeff Foxworthy would do) 'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys, and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried. When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus." I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like?" The Sheriff replied, "He's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri." "It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing is dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen." Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again." When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red. Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run. And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care. So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court." [ return to contents ] Sexual Advances First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he was last. Janet responded. "just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off un-welcomed sexual advances." Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?" Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can." Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?" [ return to contents ]

The Radio A blond bought a new Lexus but returned it to the dealership the next day, complaining that the radio didn't work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!" he said... "Nelson!" The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued... and "On the Road Again" came from the speakers. She drove away happy and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of theirs... One day, another driver ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car. As she swerved to avoid him she yelled "ASSHOLE!" .. and the French national anthem began to play [ return to contents ]

Attraction In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?" [ return to contents ]

Perfect Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.) The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. **** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling ****. So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen either. [ return to contents ]

The Name The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look...I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only...Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is......" [ return to contents ]

Water Skiing A preacher became frustrated that a large part of his congregation was going water skiing on Sunday, rather than coming to church, so he told his wife, "This Sunday, I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sunday." "What!" she exclaimed. "That's a silly thing to preach about!" "I don't think so," he said, "it's a problem we need to address." The next Sunday as they were driving to church, the wife asks the preacher what he was going to preach about. "As I told you," he said, "I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays." "That's idiotic!" the wife says. "First of all, it's a dumb sermon topic, and second, the people who need to hear it won't be in church! Why don't you preach about sex or something people are interested in?" "Nope. The Lord wants me to preach about the evils of water- skiing on Sundays, and that's what I'm preaching about" he said firmly. The wife says, "Well, I'm not going to sit through a stupid sermon like that. I'm staying in the car. You can tell the congregation I'm sick or something." And she stayed in the car. As the preacher was walking from the car to his study at the church, he got to thinking maybe his wife was right, and he changed his mind and gave a brilliant extemporaneous sermon on the proper role of sex in modern society. When the service was over, one of the parishioners stopped by the preacher's car and said to the pastor's wife, "I'm sorry you're not feeling well this morning. Your husband gave the finest sermon today that he's ever given since coming to this parish." "I don't know why he thinks he's such an expert on the subject," the wife snapped. "He's only tried it twice, and he fell off both times."

OOPS This important woman went to Israel. When she got off the plane, she said, "Where's my dog? Where's the case?" The EL-AL people finally find the case in the baggage room. They open it up--and the dog is dead. They're all upset--they know the woman will kill them. They go and get the manager, and they tell him the dog is dead and the woman is carrying on waiting for her dog. She's shrieking, she's complaining, she wants to sue us. The manager says, "Look, it's a cocker spaniel. Next door there's a pet shop. Go buy a cocker spaniel the same color and size. She'll never know the difference." They run and buy a cocker spaniel and put it in the case. They yell, "Lady! Lady! We found your dog." She says, "It's about time!" She looks in the carrier and says, "That's not my dog!" The manager says, "How do you know that's not your dog,?" She says, "My dog is dead. I was taking it to Israel to bury it." [ return to contents ]

The Drunk and the Barman A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries,  "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?" [ return to contents ]

How to Write Good 1. Avoid alliteration. Always. 2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.) 4. Employ the vernacular. 5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. 7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 8. Contractions aren't necessary. 9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 10. One should never generalize. 11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 12. Comparisons are as bad as clichés. 13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14. Be more or less specific. 15. Understatement is always best. 16. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 18. The passive voice is to be avoided. 19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 21. Who needs rhetorical questions? 22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement [ return to contents ]

A SUPPOSED TRUE FINALS STORY This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid 'A'. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, even though the Chem final was on Monday, they decided to go up to University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Aldric after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Aldric thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire? [ return to contents ]

A schoolteacher in a rather backward, rural area attempted to broaden the outlook of her class. She asked the students to write an essay on their views of foreigners. All turned in more or less acceptable pieces except for little Billy, whose essay, in full, was... "All foreigners are bastards." The shocked teacher made no direct comment but devoted her next lecture to a description of Greek architecture, Roman law, English drama, German music, Italian poetry, Russian novels, Chinese philosophy and African sculpture. She then asked the class to write another essay on foreigners. When she finally got little Billy's paper it said, in full... "All foreigners are bastards. Some are clever bastards." [ return to contents ]

Actual Sentences Sentences taken from actual letters received by the local Welfare Department from applicants. * I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I have 7, but one was baptized on half a sheet of paper. * I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money? * Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly. * I cannot get sick pay. I have 6 children. Can you tell me why? * I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead. * This is my 8th child. What are you going to do about it? * Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I now live with can't eat or do anything until he knows. * I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son as illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born. * In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory. * I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 3 children, one of which is a mistake as you can see. * My husband got his project cut off 2 weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. * Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life. * You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference? * I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night. * In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. * I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for 2 weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor. [ return to contents ]

GENERAL ISSUE As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promply escorted to the drill instructor's office. The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?" The recruit replied, "My first day here, you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush and sent me to the dentist -- who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that, SIR." [ return to contents ]

MUSTARD STATEMENT STATEMENT FROM FRENCH'S MUSTARD The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We, at the French's Company, wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard in manufactured in Rochester, NY. "The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow" [ return to contents ]

EXPERIENCED PARROT While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were vacationing at Camp David, White House lackey Mike McCurry was tasked with looking after their pet parrot. They hadn't been gone for more than a couple of days when some feathers were found in the bottom of its cage. It obviously had fallen prey to Socks, who hadn't quite recovered from being victimized by the newest family member, Buddy. McCurry knew the first family would be devastated at the loss of one of the family pets, so he set out to find a replacement bird and visited nearly every pet store in Washington. After two days of searching non-stop, he came across an almost exact duplicate of the bird. As McCurry purchased the parrot, the shop owner cautioned him that the bird had previously lived for several years in a house of ill repute. McCurry replied that no one would ever know, and he took the bird back to the White House. The morning after the Clintons returned to the White House, Chelsea walked through the room and the bird said, "Too young." A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird responded with, "Too old." Late that afternoon the President entered the room and the bird said, "HI, BILL!" [ return to contents ]

The Affair An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything. "Well, my wife ain't home," said the man. "She's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested. Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?" Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God! How'd you get a picture of my Pappy?" The old man was so happy he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale. The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk. He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious. One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "So this is the hussy he's been foolin' around with!" [ return to contents ]

Award An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F--- You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said,   "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too!" [ return to contents ]

On Surgery Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shuts them all up when he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable."