The Trial

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

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Bodily Sizes

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor as a posh suburban
girl's junior college, said during class,

"Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the
human body, which under the appropriate conditions,
expands to six times its normal size, and define the
conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins,
I do not think that is a proper question to ask me.
I assure you  my parents will hear of this."

With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and
asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the
eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe,
I have three things to say to you. One, you have not
studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind.
And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful
disappointment."

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Out The Window

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

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Things to Think About

* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never  opened, small stain.
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
* I intend to live forever - so far, so good
* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
* If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
* Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
* Mind Like  A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
* Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
* 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
* When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
* If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
* I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
* Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
* Wear short sleeves!  Support your right to bare arms!
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* Black holes are where God divided by zero.
* All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

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CLINTON & THE POPE

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope gets was to hell.

The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error

The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went off to heaven.

On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stop to chat.

Pope: Sorry about the mix up.

President Clinton: No problem.

Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.

President Clinton: Why's that? It's not that great

Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.

President Clinton: Sorry, Your Holiness, You're a day late.

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Captured

That Day

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home! "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

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HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

1.  Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
laundry hamper, according to lights and darks.

2.  Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If
you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover 
up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

3.  Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and
stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine 
even more about how fat you're getting.

4.  Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth,
legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey
shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey
shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

7.  Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey
conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil.  Leave 
on for 15 minutes.

8.  Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub
for 10 minutes until red raw.

9.  Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and
Jaffa Cake bodywash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least
15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all 
come off).

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini
area but decide to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband
flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a
small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent 
second towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a
zit.  Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and
towel on head.

18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way,
cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to bedroom
to spend an hour and a half getting dressed. You really 
want to look nice.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

1.  Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of
the bed and leave them in a pile.

2.  Walk naked to the bathroom.  If you see your
girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making 
the "woo" sound.

3.  Look at your manly physique in the mirror and
suck in your gut to see if' you have pecs (no).  
Admire the size of your little friend in the mirror, 
scratch your crotch and smell your fingers one last 
whiff before showering.

4.  Get in the shower.

5.  Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't
use one).

6.  Wash your face.

7.  Wash your armpits.

8.  Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the
shower.

9.  Wash your privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt last, leaving hair on the soap
bar.

11. Shampoo your hair. (you do not use conditioner).

12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in
the mirror.

14. Pee (in the shower).

15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to
notice water on the floor because you left the curtain 
hang out of the tub the whole time.

16. Partially dry off.

17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles.
Admire again the size of your little friend.

18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on
the floor.

19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.

20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your
waist.  If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off 
the towel, flash her again and say, "Yeah baby."

21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to
get dressed.  You look good enough.

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A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?"

Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,

"Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it!"

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The Speeders

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

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Top Ten Worst Things to See Written on Your FINALS PAPER Paper in Red Ink:

Well Finals are over for most of our student member, and many of
you are still at home or on the beach somewhere.

So just in case, you haven't got them back yet, here are some
reminders of what you may see when you get back.

10.   See me after class.

9.   Did you even read the material?

8.   It's a C, but it's a strong C.

7.   Fascinatingly convoluted.

6.   My, what nice, big margins!

5.   You must've been up all last night.

4.   The book ends differently than the movie.

3.   Spelling requires more than just sounding it out.

2.   Are you familiar with the term "plagiarism"?

1.   Tell your mom to try harder.

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THE FINDINGS ---------------------

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in
the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years;
infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died
in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and
influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed
within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been
proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to
suffocate a mouse. The average person eats more bread than that
in one month!

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of
bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only
two days.

PROPOSED RESTRICTIONS
---------------------
Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical
babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we
propose the following bread restrictions

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all
the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may
appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. A $40.2 billion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.

Please send this  on to everyone you know who
cares about this crucial issue.

 REMEMBER:  "Think globally, act idiotically."

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Burglar & Jesus

A burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He again heard, "Jesus is watching you."

This time, he shone his light all over, and it rested on a parrot. He asked, "Did you say that?"

The parrot admitted that he had. "I'm just trying to warn you, is all."

The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?"

"Moses."

"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

The bird answered, "I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'".

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AIRHEAD

An airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' "

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SPEEDING

SPEEDING A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch all the fish?"

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Don't Knock

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing. The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

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THE AGE OF CONSENT

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."

Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said,

"Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

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DECLASSIFIED AD

This one has been making the rounds -- supposedly it's a real-life newspaper ad that appeared four days in a row, the last three attempting to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY -- For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY -- Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 p.m."

WEDNESDAY -- Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY -- Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 555-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

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ANNIVERSARY PRESENT

Morris wanted to get his beautiful, blonde wife Sherry something nice for their first wedding anniversary. He decided to buy her a cell phone. Their anniversary came and he gave Sherry the phone. She loved it. He explained to her all the features on the phone. The next day Sherry, the blonde, goes shopping.

Her phone rings and it's her husband Morris, "Hi hon," he says, "How do you like your new phone?"

"I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand. How did you know I was at the beauty parlor?"

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The Cure

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out, 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him."

"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how ?"

The neighbor said, "You see, his name is Bill."

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Farmer Jack

Farmer Jack is going about his early morning rounds. He checks
the chickens, the sheep, the cows, and finally his prize bull. He
notices something unusual about it this morning looking at its
face, he realizes it has gone completely cross-eyed.

Jack runs to the next door farm, shouting, "Ted, Ted! My bull's
gone cross-eyed. It's the show tomorrow, what can I do!?"

Farmer Ted nods gravely, then exclaims, "Don't worry Jack. It's
happened to my bull many a time. Let me fix this one."

He picks up a metal pipe and makes his way to the bull's barn.
Getting behind the bull, he shoves the metal pipe up the bull's
backside, puts his lips to the pipe and gives a mighty blow.

Much to Jack's amazement, the bull's eyes twitch frantically,
then spring back into place.

"That's amazing, Ted. Thank you so much," cries Jack, throwing
his arms around Ted. "Without your help, I don't know how I could
have taken him to the show."

The next day, Jack leads his bull into his truck, and they drive
off to the show ground. Upon arrival, he realizes that his bull
has gone cross-eyed again. Jack throws his arms up in despair but
hen remembers the advice he was given.

He grabs the nearest metal pipe, rams it up the bull's butt, and
blows as hard as he can. Running round to the front of the bull,
he realizes that it clearly isn't working.

Farmer Ted arrives on the scene ten minutes later. Jack explains
that he did exactly as Ted had done the day before, but the
bull's eyes just won't budge.

Ted nods solemnly, then walks round to the back of the bull,
grabs the metal pipe, pulls it out, turns it the other way around
and drives it back in.

"Why are you doing that!?" cries Jack in bewilderment.

To which Ted replies, "Well, I'm not going to blow on the same
end as you, am I?

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