Deathbed

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his 
Lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they 
were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher 
held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. 

The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared 
at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and 
Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to 
be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled; the preacher 
had never given them any indication he particularly liked either of them. 
They both remembered his many 
long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and their 
avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats. 

Finally, the lawyer said, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to 
come?" 

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died 
between two thieves, and that's how I want to go too.

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 The Artist

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt 
for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, 
took her in his arms and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe your 
other models let you kiss them," she said." I've never tried to kiss a 
model before," he swore." Really," she said, softening. "How many models 
have there been?" Four," he replied. "A jug, two apples and a vase..."

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 A job interview 

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, an you tell me your age, please?" 

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, "Ehhhh... 22!"

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell me your height, 
please? "The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good, so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Mandy!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "Just out of curiosity, I can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing 
bobbing your head when I asked you your name?""

Oh, that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'" Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! 

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ON BLONDS

Bathroom

I know a blonde so stupid she got locked in a bathroom and peed her pants.

Big Red Truck

There was this blonde, and her house was on fire. She called the fire department to report the fire. When the dispatcher asked her how to get to her house, she replied, "Duh...Use the big red truck!"

Blond on The Highway

This blond was driving on the highway and there was a trucker in front of her. She had to get into the lane that the trucker was in and she cut him off. The trucker decided she had been on the highway to long and told her to pull off to the side. The blond did this and waited until the trucker got out of his truck. He got out of his truck carrying his pocket knife. He told her to get out of her car and she did this. He ran back to his truck and grabbed a piece of chalk. Then he drew a circle and told her to stay in it. He got into her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around and looked at the blond she was laughing. He was furious, so he turned took his knife and cut out the seat belts and all the wires. Then he turned around and again the blond was laughing. Now the trucker was more furious than ever. He took his knife and slashed all her tires. When he turned around the blond was laying on the ground laughing very hard. Finally he just said. "Why do you keep laughing when I turn around?", his face bright red from anger. Through big gasps of air from laughing she said. "Everytime you turn around I stepped outside of the circle."

Blonde and a Cop

A policeman pulls over a red convertible for speeding, and driving the car is a beautiful, buxom blonde in skimpy clothes. The policeman asks her for her license, but the blonde looks around her car and purse for it and can't find it anywhere. So the cop asks her for her insurance papers, and she looks and can't find those either.

The policeman tells the blonde to stay put while he goes back to his car. The policeman then calls up his sergeant and says, "Look, boss, I've got a beautiful blonde here..."

His sergeant listens to the story, then replies, "Okay, here's what you do. Just go over to her car and pull down your pants."

"What?" the officer exclaims. "I can't do that!"

"Just trust me on this one," the sergeant says.

So the policeman goes over to the blonde and unzips his pants. The blonde looks up from her futile search and says, "Oh, man--Not another breathalyzer test!"  

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 Blonde Detective Training

A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman said, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "And think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic."

The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "Hmmmm...The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect wore contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that." He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming. "Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it...It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! But how were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear."

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Weird Laws

Idaho
* In Pocatello, ``the carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same
are exhibited to public view.''
* Also in Pocatello, ``It is prohibited for pedestrians and motorists to
display frowns, grimaces, scowls, threatening and glowering looks, gloomy and
depressed facial appearances, generally all of which reflect unfavorably upon
the city's reputation.''
* Boxes of candy given as romantic gifts must weigh more than 50 pounds.

Illinois
* In Chicago, people who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or deformed to the
point of being ``an unsightly or disgusting object'' are banned from going out
in public.
* In Chicago, it is illegal to fish in one's pajamas.
* In Chicago, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the opera.
* According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially
recognized language is ``American.''
* In Guernee, it is illegal for women weighing more than 200 pounds to ride
horses in shorts.
* In Joliet, it is illegal to mispronounce the name Joliet.
* In Normal it is illegal to make faces at dogs.
* In Chicago it is illegal to eat in a place that is on fire.

Indiana
* Monkeys are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.
* In Gary, it is illegal to attend the theater within four hours of eating
garlic.
* The Stepford Wives is banned in Warsaw.
* After being released from a thirty-day or longer stay in the local jail, you
are to receive $10.00 and a horse.

Iowa
* State law forbids any establishment from charging admission to see a
one-armed piano player.
* In Fort Madison, firemen are required to practice for 15 minutes before
attending a fire.

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 Weird Laws II

Kansas
* It is illegal for restaurants to sell cherry pie a la mode on Sundays.
* In Wichita, a man's mistreatment of his mother-in-law may not be used as
rounds for divorce.
* In Wichita, it is illegal to carry a concealed bean snapper.
* In Lang, it is illegal to ride a mule down Main Street in August, unless the
animal is wearing a straw hat.
* In Natoma, it is illegal to throw a knife at anyone wearing a striped shirt. 
* You may not shoot rabbits from a motorboat.

Kentucky
* It is illegal for a woman to appear in a bathing suit on a highway unless she
is: escorted by at least two police officers; armed with a club; or lighter
than 90 pounds or heavier than 200 pounds. The ordinance also specifically
exempts female horses from such restrictions.
* State law stipulates that a person is considered sober until he or she
``cannot hold onto the ground.''
* It is illegal to remarry the same man more than three times.
* In Lexington you may not carry ice cream in your pockets.

Louisiana
* In New Orleans, fire trucks are required by law to stop at all red lights.
* It is considered ``simple assault'' to bite someone in New Orleans; it is
``aggravated assault'' if the biter has false teeth.
* It is against the law to gargle in public.

Maine
* In Portland, it is illegal for men to tickle women under the chin with
feather dusters.
* The most money one can legally win gambling is three dollars.
* In Rumford, it is illegal for a tenant to bite his/her landlord.
* In Waterville, it is illegal to blow one's nose in public.

Maryland
* In Baltimore, it is illegal to wash or scrub sinks, no matter how dirty they
get.
* Every person who has bowled since 1833 may be fined $2 for each offense.
* In Halethorpe, it is illegal to kiss for more than one second. 
* It's illegal to mistreat oysters.
* It's illegal to play Randy Newman's ``Short People'' on the radio.

Massachusetts
* In Salem, even married couples are forbidden from sleeping in the nude in
rented rooms.
* It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license.
* North Andover prohibits its citizens from carrying ``space guns.''
* State legislation forbids dueling with water pistols.
* In Boston, it is illegal to take a bath unless one has been ordered by a
physician to do so.
* In 1659, the state outlawed Christmas.

Michigan
* In Clawson, it is legal for a farmer to ``sleep with his pigs, cows, horses,
goats, and chickens.''
* A state law stipulates that a woman's hair legally belongs to her husband. 
* In Detroit, it is illegal to make love in a car unless it is parked on your
property.
* In Detroit, it is illegal to ``ogle'' a woman from a moving car.
* In Port Huron, the speed limit for ambulances in 20 m.p.h.
* Under state law, dentists are officially classified as ``mechanics.''

Minnesota
* Women may face up to 30 days in jail if they impersonate Santa Claus.
* In Minneapolis, double-parkers can be put on a chain gang.
* Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard.
* It's illegal to tease skunks.

Mississippi
* It is still legal to kill one's ``servant.''
* In Truro, a would-be groom must ``prove himself manly'' prior to marriage by
hunting and killing either six blackbirds or three crows.

Missouri
* In Saco, women are forbidden from wearing hats that ``might frighten timid
persons, children or animals.''
* In St. Louis, it is illegal for an on-duty firefighter to rescue a woman
wearing a nightgown; in order to be rescued, a woman must be fully dressed.
* While children may purchase shotguns in Kansas City, they are not allowed to
buy toy cap guns.
* Missouri considers drunkenness an ``inalienable right.''
* It is legal for children to buy shotguns but not toy cap guns.

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 Weird Laws III

Montana
* It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.
* It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime.
* In Whitehall, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to
the wheels.

Nebraska
* It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state
license.
* In Waterloo, barbers are forbidden from eating onions between 7am and 7pm.
* In Omaha, barbers are forbidden from shaving their customers' chests.
* If a child burps during a church service in Omaha, his or her parents may be
arrested.
* It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously
brewing a kettle of soup.

Nevada
* In Nyala, a man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people
other than himself at any one period during the day.
* It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.
* In Eureka, men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women.
* Everyone walking on the streets of Elko is required to wear a mask.

New Hampshire
* It is illegal to sell the clothes one is wearing to pay off a gambling
debt.
* It is illegal to check into a hotel under an assumed name.

New Jersey
* It is against the law to ``frown'' at a police officer.
* In Newark, it is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has
a note from his doctor.
* It is illegal to slurp soup.
* In Trenton, it is illegal to throw a bad pickle in the street.

New Mexico
* In Raton, it is illegal for a woman to ride horseback down a public street
with a kimono on.
* The Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary is banned in Carlsbad.
* State officials ordered 400 words of ``sexually explicit material'' to be cut
from Romeo and Juliet.

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 Weird Laws IV

New York
* In New York City, it is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing
``body hugging clothing.''
* In New York City, it is illegal for a man to turn around and look ``at a
woman in that way,'' and violators are forced to wear horse blinders.
* In Staten Island, it is illegal for a father to call his son a ``faggot'' or
``queer'' in an effort to curb ``girlie behavior.''
* In New York City, ``It is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on
the street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his nose, at the
same time extending and wiggling the fingers of his hand.''

North Carolina
* In Charlotte, women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of
cloth at all times.
* In Ashville, it is illegal to sneeze on city streets.
* Ironically, Hornytown has banned all massage parlors.
* State law mandates that all couples staying in rooms for one night must be
kept in room with double beds, kept a minimum of two feet apart, and making
love on the floor between the beds is strictly forbidden.
* It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard.

North Dakota
* In Fargo, one may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for
wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place.
* It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
* It is illegal to serve beer and pretzels at the same time in any bar, club,
or restaurant.

Ohio
* In Cleveland, women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men
see reflections of their underwear.
* In Columbus, it is illegal for stores to sell cornflakes on Sunday.
* In Oxford, it is illegal for a women to disrobe in front of a man's picture.
* In Youngstown, it is illegal to run out of gas.
* Catch 22 is banned in Strongville.
* In Cleveland it is illegal to catch a mouse without a hunting license.
* In Paulding a policeman may bite a dog to quiet him.

Oklahoma
* People who make ``ugly faces'' at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.
* In Schulter, it is illegal for a woman to gamble in the nude, in lingerie, or
while wearing a towel.

Oregon
* One may not bathe without wearing ``suitable clothing,'' i.e., that which
covers one's body from neck to knee.
* The town of Hood River prohibits the act of juggling without a license. 
* Salem has barred women's wrestling.
* In Marion, ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before
delivering a sermon.
* In Portland, Oregon, a priest may not perform a wedding at a skating rink 

Pennsylvania
* ``Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well
off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the
countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the
motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest
bushes.''
* In Morrisville, women need a permit to wear cosmetics.
* Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or
groom is drunk.
* It is illegal to discharge a gun, cannon, revolver or other explosive weapon
at a wedding

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Weird Laws V

Rhode Island
* In Providence, it is illegal to sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same
customer on a Sunday.
* It is illegal to throw pickle juice on a trolley.
* In Newport, it is illegal to smoke a pipe after sunset.

South Carolina
* Every citizen is obliged to carry his gun to church.
* No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.
* In Charleston, all carriage horses must wear diapers.

South Dakota
* It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.
* Movies that show police officers being struck, beaten, or treated in an
offensive manner are forbidden.

Tennessee
* It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
* In Dyersburg, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.
* In Memphis restaurants, it is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners. It is
also illegal to take unfinished pie home. All pie must be eaten on the
premises.
* Also in Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; ``a man must
walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn
approaching pedestrians and motorists.''
* In Memphis it is illegal for a frog to croak after 11:00 p.m.
* You can't shoot any game, with the exception of a whale, from a moving
vehicle.
* It is illegal to kill a snake.

Texas
* The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a
formula for making beer at home.
* A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24
hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the
crime to be committed.
* In El Paso, churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking
rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons ``of a
kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them.''
* It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
* In Houston, it is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.
* In LeFors, it is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while
standing.
* In San Antonio, it is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to
flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.
* In Mesquite, it is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.
* There is an ordinance that says that when two trains meet at a railroad
crossing, both must come to a stop. Then neither can continue until the other
one is out of sight.
* In Clarendon it is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.
* In Borger it is illegal to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters,
whips or quirts (riding crop) and explosive firecrackers of any kind.

Utah
* Birds have the right of way on all highways.
* A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while
she is in his presence.
* In Monroe, daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor.

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 Weird Laws VI

Vermont
* Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
* It is illegal to deny the existence of God.
* It is illegal to whistle underwater.

Virginia
* In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to
determine who buys a cup of coffee.
* In Norfolk, a man may face 60 days in jail for patting a woman's derriere.
* There is a state law prohibiting ``corrupt practices of bribery by any person
other than candidates.''
* In Lebanon, it is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.

Washington
* In Seattle, women who sit on men's laps on buses or trains without placing a
pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term.
* In Auburn, men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may
face up to five years in jail.
* Seattle residents may not carry concealed weapons longer than six feet.
* It is illegal to pretend that one's parents are rich.
* In Wilbur it is illegal to ride an ugly horse.

West Virginia
* In Nicholas County, no clergy members may tell jokes or humorous stories from
the pulpit during church services.
* Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third
person is present.
* It is illegal to snooze on a train.

Wisconsin
* In St. Croix, women are not allowed to wear anything red in public.
* It is illegal to cut a woman's hair.
* It is illegal to kiss on a train.
* Cheese making requires a cheese maker's license; Limburger cheese making
requires a master cheese maker's license.
* In Racine it is illegal to awake a sleeping fireman.

Wyoming
* It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs peoples' view in a public theater
or place of amusement.
* It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking.

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THINGS YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IN SURGERY

1.) Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2.) Somebody call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
3.) "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
4.) Sparky! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
5.) Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
6.) Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
7.) Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8.) Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived a full hypo of this stuff before?
9.) Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
10.) Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off
11.) What's this doing here?
12.) I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
13.) That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!
14.) I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
15.) Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16.) Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
17.) Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
18.) Next, we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
19.) Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
20.) This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
21.) Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
22.) Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
23.) What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
24.) She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
25.) FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out!
26.) "Psss! Com'on and watch. Pooh's going to goose the surgeon!"
27.) "And next week, we'll be learning how to stitch up a patient..."
28.) "Your name is Rainy what and you want to do what to the patient????"

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 THE ROOKIE

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. 

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. 

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people." 

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!" 

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. 

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" 

Pretty good," chuckled the veteran, "especially since this is a bus stop." 

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 Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with
their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks:

"Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

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The Cabbie

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend
to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had
nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his
round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport
he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there
was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation
to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from
home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his
drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no
avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen
dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the
airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and
hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas
and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about
himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a
cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out
there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old
buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was
down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment
about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of
charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How
much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen
bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to go down
on me during the way?" "What?! Get Out out of my cab,
you scum." was the reply. The businessman got into the
back of each cab in the long line and asked the same
questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of
each taxi.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line,
he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the
airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The
businessman said "O.K." and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs
the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to
each driver.

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ONE TICKET

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling
by train to a conference. At the station, the three
accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three
engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one
ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take
their respective seats but all three engineers cram into
a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly
after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and
says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm
emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it
and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a
clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants
decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save
some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket
for the return trip. To their astonishment, the
engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?"
says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants
cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into
another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly
afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and
walks over to the restroom where the accountants are
hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket,
please."

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 Valuable

In school one day the teacher decided that in science
class she would teach about materials; So she stood in
the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could
have one raw material in the world what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want
gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could
buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because
platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a
Corvette"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of
it and you should see all the sports cars outside our
house!!" 

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ATR

The gentleman had a serious problem. He had made
several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but
it was always occupied.

The stewardess noticed that he was taking short steps
and had a look of pain on his face.

"Sir", she said, "You may use the ladies' room if you
promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He would have promised anything and said so.

The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there savoring
the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not
to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW,
WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.
He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his
bottom. What a nice feeling. Men's restrooms don't
have things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his
underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large
powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent
of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.
The Ladies' restroom is more than a restroom. It is a
place of tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he could
hardly wait to push the ATR button, which he knew would
bring him supreme ecstasy...

He knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his
eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a "smirk" on
her face.

"What happened?", he exclaimed.

"You pushed one too many buttons", replied the
nurse. "The last button marked ATR was
an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your member is under your
pillow!"

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 A Preacher's Job

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning
and discovered a dead mule in the church yard so he
called the police. Since there didn't appear to be any
foul play, the police referred the preacher to the
health department.

The health department explained that since there was no
health threat, the preacher should call the sanitation
department.

The sanitation manager explained that he couldn't pick up
the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now, the preacher knew the mayor, and was not to
eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was
generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him
anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to
rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did
you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The preacher paused for a brief prayer and then
explained, "Yes, mayor, it is my job to bury the dead,
but I wanted to notify the mule's next of kin first. And,
considering you're a jackass, I decided to call you!"

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CLOCKS 

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 Business Trip

On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his
last night having wild sex with a Geisha Girl. Upon returning
home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird green,
festering sore growing on his penis.

He went to the doctor, Dr. Jones, who, after hearing of his
Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had
Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation. Joe
was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion.

Joe contacted Dr. Smith and showed him the green growth. Dr.
Smith said "I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct. We must
amputate right away."

Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit
an oriental doctor. They must deal with this all the time. He
went to Dr. Chu Wong.

Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said
"These Amadican Doctors - so quick to Chop Chop Chop.
Amputation not necesally."

Joe was relieved.

Dr. Wong said "You wait three weeks and it fall off on its
own."

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 Brewster the Rooster 

There was this farmer who had an old rooster named Brewster, and Brewster could mate with any animal, he didn't care which. Every morning the farmer would get up and feed all his animals, and every morning he would warn Brewster that someday it would catch up to the old rooster. Sure enough, one morning the farmer got up to feed the chickens, and there was old Brewster lying face up on the ground with buzzards circling overhead. The farmer sighed and said, "Ah, Brewster, you can't say I didn't warn you."

Brewster opened one eye slowly and said, "Geez, could you keep it down? I think one of 'em's about to land."

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 Camel Gear

Baby Camel: Mum, why do we have such a huge hump?

Mum Camel: They're for storing fat in out in the desert.

Baby Camel: Why do we have hooves, then?

Mum Camel: So our feet don't sink into the hot sand.

Baby Camel: Why do we have these long, fluttery eyelashes?

Mum Camel: To keep the sand out of our eyes in a sandstorm.

A moment later...

Baby Camel: Right. So why do we have all this stuff if we live in the London Zoo?

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God and Cat 

On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.

On the third day, God created rubber bands, bits of string, paper clips, balls of foil, and Q-tips (unused) to amuse the cat.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so man could labor while the cat sat around doing nothing at all.

On the fifth day, God created the cat box so the cat might or might not use it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science. Unfortunately, the cat thought being poked and prodded by a stranger was bogus.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but instead He had to clean the cat box.

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 Gorilla Problem? 

A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and sure enough finds an ad for "Gorilla Pest Control." When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, "Is it male or female?"

"Male," he replies.

"Oh yeah, we can do that. I'll be right there," he states.

An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Rottweiler, a shotgun, and a large pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Rotty will move in and savage the gorilla's private parts. The gorilla will then cross his hands across his crotch to protect himself, and that's when you move in with the handcuffs!"

The man goes pale and asks, "Um, okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "Hopefully nothing, but if I happen to fall out of the tree before the gorilla, you've got to shoot that Rottweiler!"

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Naughty Parrot 

A bloke was about to bring his new girlfriend home, so he warned his parrot not to say any offensive remarks; the parrot had a tendency to verbally abuse anyone who came into the house. The next night the guy walked in with his new girlfriend, and the parrot instantly began to insult her: "Who's a fat cow, then? Who's been hit by a truck, then?"

The next day the infuriated man decided to shove the parrot in the freezer to teach it a lesson. About two minutes later the parrot calls out, "I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I’m really, really sorry." The man feels a bit guilty and decides to let the parrot back out.

For the next couple of months he doesn't hear so much as a squeak out of the parrot. He can't believe how successful his freezer trick turned out to be. But finally one night the parrot got up enough courage to talk again. "Excuse me, please," the parrot said very cautiously, "but what exactly did the chicken do?"

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