1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have 
monkeys and apes? 

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where 
all the bad girls live. 

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the 
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose 

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets are not 
going as ghosts but as mattresses? 

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is 
no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong? 

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it 
considered a hostage situation? 

11. Is there another word for synonym? 

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice? 

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? 

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an 
endangered plant? 

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
 will clean them? 

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 

19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 

20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to 
remain silent? 

21. How do blind people know when they are done wiping? 

22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 

23. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 

24. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 

25. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 

26. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? 

27. How is it possible to have a civil war? 

28. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? 

29. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 

30. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 

31. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it? 

32. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"? 

33. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 

34. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 

35. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket? 

36. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 

37. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become 
dis-oriented?

[ return to contents ]

 Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about 
your age and start bragging about it.. 
----------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. 
----------------------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people 
to know" why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of 
the roads weren't paved. 
---------------------------------------------
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? 
----------------------------------------------
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, 
think of Algebra. 
---------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. 
----------------------------------------------
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. 
----------------------------------------------
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such 
a nice change from being young. 
----------------------------------------------
One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. 
----------------------------------------------
Yah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. 
----------------------------------------------
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald,
 they don't recognize you. 
----------------------------------------------
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh
 at when you are old. 
---------------------------------------------
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up 
your zipper, then ....Oh my goodness you forgot to pull your zipper down! 
----------------------------------------------
If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a 
smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?? 
----------------------------------------------
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called
 witchcraft...............Today, it's called golf.

[ return to contents ]

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done
already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount
of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new
technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the
amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though
infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to
change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or
write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the
task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior
to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is
wait/plan/plan.

13. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

[ return to contents ] 

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a

rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of

feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the

doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I

killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "Suit yourself," the

farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

[ return to contents ]

Hey, girls! Pregnancy is a great way to keep your boyfriend and get lots of attention,
 but it's also a big responsibility. Here are some tips to get you through those nine
 months.

      * Plan ahead! You don't want your expectancy date to coincide with prom or 
	  homecoming.

      * Drink lots of water. This will flush the alcohol and drugs right out of your system
	 before it reaches your baby.

      * Be prepared! Make sure you purchase the latest styles of cool, fashionable Nike
	 athletic shoes for your baby ahead of time.

      * Make sure all your teachers know you are pregnant, so they will have reduced 
	expectations for you, allowing you to skate through junior high.

      * Take care of little details early. Make sure you get your driver's license in case you 
	have to take yourself to the hospital when you go into labor.

      * If someone expresses disapproval that you are having a baby at such an early age, 
	get "in their face" with lots of sassy "attitude." A key phrase to remember: "Nobody's 
	gonna tell me how to raise my baby."

      * Remember to eat often (every three to four hours) when you're pregnant - even if you'd
	 rather spend your money on CDs and clothes rather than candy bars and chips.

      * Smoking while pregnant can result in lower birth weight for your newborn, making it 
	smaller and easier to pass through the birth canal.

      * Be the envy of your friends by thinking up the coolest baby name ever. Viripulus
	 Equinox is a great example.


Thanks, MM!

[ return to contents ]

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is

hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house.

They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes,

they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did

the FBI come?"

"Yep."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

[ return to contents ]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He
opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned
to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's
caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and
a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of
bath." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope
does".

[ return to contents ]

An ABC_TV poll of 17_year_olds, one girl answered that the

Holocaust was "that Jewish holiday last week, right?"

Another thought the Ayatollah was a Soviet gymnast,

and yet another thought Chernobyl was Cher's full name.

Did you hear about that guy that paid an arsonist to burn his
store?
He collected $500.000 insurance but was caught when claimed the 
arsonist's $10,000 consulting fee on his income tax.

[ return to contents ]

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

6. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

7. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

8. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.

9. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

10. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it.

11. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.

12. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

13. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.

14. You consider second day air delivery painfully slow.

15. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

16. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored Post it notes.

17. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

18. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

19. You disconnect from the internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

20. You get up in morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.

21. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your Email on your way back to bed.

22. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

[ return to contents ]

 Senior Citizens

A group of Sun City senior citizens were sitting around
talking about their ailments:

"My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee,"
said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my
coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,"
said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy," another went on...

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an
old man as he shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence...

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully, "Thank
goodness we can all still drive."

[ return to contents ]

 Stay off the Grass

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency room,
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.
It was quickly determined the patient had
acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
for immediate surgery. When she was
completely disrobed on the operating table,
the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been
dyed green, and above it there was a
tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the
surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said,
Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

[ return to contents ]

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog
that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat are really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.

Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the
sun.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the
people who have to wait for them.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to
one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some
are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors.......but
theyall have to learn to live in the same box.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. 

If not for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't
trust me so much.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you
stop laughing.

We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our
sails.

If the shoe fits......buy it in every color

[ return to contents ]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

 On a Sears hairdryer:
 "Do not use while sleeping."
 (Gee, that's the only time I have to
 work on my hair.)

 On a bag of Fritos:
 "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
 (The shoplifter special)

 On a bar of Dial soap:
 "Directions: Use like regular soap."
 (And that would be how ...?)

 On some Swanson frozen dinners:
 "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
 (But its "just" a suggestion)

 On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
 "Do not turn upside down."
 (Too late!)

 On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
 "Product will be hot after heating."
 (As night follows day . . .)

 On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
 "Do not iron clothes on body."
 (But wouldn't this save me more time?)

 On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
 "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
 (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could
just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

 On Nytol Sleep Aid:
 "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
 (One would hope.)

 On most brands of Christmas lights:
 "For indoor or outdoor use only."
 (As opposed to what?)

 On a Japanese food processor:
 "Not to be used for the other use."
 (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

 On Sainsbury's peanuts:
 "Warning: contains nuts."
 (Talk about a news flash.)

 On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
 "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
 ( Step 3: Fly Delta.)

 On a child's superman costume:
 "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
 (I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

 On a Swedish chainsaw:
 "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals,"
 (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My God!)

[ return to contents ]

Obituary of Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,
by the name of common sense.

Common Sense lived a long life, but died in the United
States from heart failure on the beginning of the new
millennium. No one really knows how old he was, since
his birth records were lost long ago in bureaucratic red
tape. He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools,
hospitals, homes, factories, helping folks get jobs done
without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules,
silly laws, and frivolous lawsuits had no power over
Common Sense.

He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as
to know when to come out of the rain, why the early
bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies
( don't spend more that you earn ), reliable parenting
strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids ), and it's
okay to come in second.

A veteran of the industrial revolution, the Great Depression,
and the Technical Revolution, Common Sense survived
cultural and educational trends including body piercing, whole
language, and "new math". But his health declined when he
became infected with the " If it only helps one person, it's
worth it" virus.

In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the
ravages of well intentioned, but overbearing, regulations.

He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking
lawyers. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly
implemented zero-tolerance policies.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for
kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of
mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an
unruly student only worsened his condition.

It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent
to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents
when a female student was pregnant or wanted an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten
Commandments became contraband, Churches became
businesses, criminals received better treatment than their victims,
and Federal Judges stuck their noses in everything from the Boy
Scouts to professional sports.

Finally, when a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of
coffee was hot, awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense
threw in the towel.

As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but
was kept informed of developments regarding questionable
regulations, such as those for the low flow of toilets, rocking chairs,
and step ladders.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and
Trust; His wife, Discretion; His daughter, Responsibility, and
his son, Reason.

He is survived by two step-brothers: My Rights, and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was
gone.

-Author Unknown 

[ return to contents ]

Made In..

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN 
JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved 
with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt! (MADE 
IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN 
KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN 
INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he 
could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio 
(MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search 
for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and 
fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE 
IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his 
TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying 
job in.....AMERICA.....

[ return to contents ]

IDIOTS IN SERVICE

This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact
the telephone repair people. They promised to be out
between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00p.m. When I asked if they
could give me a smaller time frame the pleasant
gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before
we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be
able to do that since our phones weren't working. He
also requested that we report future outages by email
(Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).

IDIOTS AT WORK
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase
when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on
the back of the credit card. She informed me that she
could not complete the transaction unless the card
was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it
was necessary to compare the signature I had just
signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in
front of her. She carefully compared the signature to
the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck
would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new
neighbour call the local township administrative
office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing
sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being
hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there
anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a
taco. She asked the person behind the counter for
"minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but
they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in
your baggage without your knowledge?  "To which I
replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I
know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we
ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to
cross the street. I was crossing with a coworker of
mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the
light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth
are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker
who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our
manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should
do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all
just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip
back into itself and for the life of her couldn't
understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys
had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to
unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle
and discovered that it was unlocked. " I announced to
the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I
know - I already got that side."


Now don't you feel better.

[ return to contents ]

 Bra Size

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F, are the letters used

to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood

for...It is about time you became informed!

A} - Almost Boobs

B} - Barely there

C} - Can't Complain

D} - Damn

DD} - Double damn

E} - Enormous

F} - FAKE

[ return to contents ]

The Crush

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.

Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school 

work been so poor lately?" 

"I'm in love," the boy replied. 

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" 

"With you," he said. 

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I 

would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." 

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."

[ return to contents ]

Ponderings by George Carlin

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

[ return to contents ]

YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN

by George Carlin


I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid Level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!

I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus, of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years In the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut-the-Hell-up already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them.

I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause. These people should be targets.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I believe if she has her lips on your Willie, it's sex, and this applies even if you are President of the United States.

And what the hell is going on with gas prices... again?

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

The Quarterback

 Jimmy Johnson has put together the perfect Dolphins team for '98. The
only thing he's missing is a good quarterback to replace the injured
Dan Marino. He has scouted all the colleges, and even the high
schools, but; can't seem to find a ringer quarterback that will ensure
a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he sees a war zone in Palestine.
In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spots a young
Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. First, he throws a hand
grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away --
kA-BOOM!

Next, he throws another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers
a good 110 yards away -- ka-BLOOEY!

Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour-bulls-eye! Another grenade
right into the barely open window.

"I've got to get this guy," Jimmy says to himself. "He has the
perfect arm!"

So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of
football. Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for
completed passes, accuracy, and touchdowns. The Dolphins go on to
handily win the Super Bowl.

The young Israeli is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXV and
when Jimmy asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is
call his mother. Jimmy arranges for the call and hands the phone to
his young quarterback: "Mom," the young man says into the receiver,
"I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us.
You're no longer my son."

"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads. "I just
won the greatest sporting event in the world! I'm in the middle of
thousands of adoring fans."

"No, let ME tell YOU," the mother implores. "At this very moment,
there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of
rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life
last week, and this week your sister was attacked in broad
daylight...." The old lady pauses, in tears. "...I'll never forgive
you for moving us to Miami,"

 The Employees

The shop owner calls his 4 employees into his office at the end of the day.

" I am going to have to let one of you go" he explains. "I just can’t afford four employees"

"Hey, I am a protected minority!" the Black man says.

"Fire me buster and I will hit you with a wage discrimination suit so fast that it’ll make your head spin!" threatened the senior worker.

"I’m a woman" protested the third worker.

They all turned to look at the young white male

"Uh... well, uh I think I might be gay?"

The Problem

The young man more or less slunk into the corner drug store and approached the counter.

"Excuse me ma’am" he stammers, "may I speak to the pharmacist?"

"Son," the woman says " I am the pharmacist. It’s just me and my sister here, what can I do for you?"

"Ah, well it is a little embarrassing."

"Young man, we’ve heard everything." she assured him. "Don’t be nervous."

"Well, I’ve had this erection for three days and can’t get rid of it. What can you give me for it?"

"Wait here, I will be right back" she said walking into the office. A few minutes later she stepped back to the counter. "My sister and I will give you ten percent of the business and $2000 cash.

The Atheist

The atheist wanted to take a new kind of fishing trip so he decided to go to Scotland and fish in Loch Ness. As he was lazily casting the Loch Ness Monster emerged, let out a terrible hiss and seemed ready to attack.

"Oh God save me!" the angler cried.

A voice from above boomed "I thought you didn’t believe in me!"

"Hey God, give me a break," the fellow pleaded. "I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster a minute ago either!"