Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" 

Another one said, "How do you know?" 

First inmate answers, "Winston Churchill told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"

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   To ensure we Americans never offend anyone, specially fanatics intent on  
killing us, airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people. They will 
continue random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids,  airline crews 
with proper identification, an 85-year old Congressmen with metal  hips, or a 
90 year old W.W.II Retired Military Officer carrying his Congressional Medal 
of Honor on his trip to speak at West Point Military Academy.
  Let's pause a moment and take the following test ...
  1. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
   a. Norwegians from Ballard
   b. Elvis
   c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
  2. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
   a. A pizza delivery boy
   b. Crazed feminists complaining that being able to throw a grenade beyond
 its own burst radius was an unfair and sexist requirement in basic training
   c. Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
  3. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
   a. Luca Brazzi, for not being given a part in "Godfather 2"
   b. The Tooth Fairy
   c. Butch and Sundance who had a few sticks of dynamite left over from the 
train mission
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
  4. In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
   a. Mr. Rogers
   b. Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
   c. The World Wrestling Federation to promote its next villain: "Mustafa
 the Merciless"
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
  5. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and flown into the World Trade Center,
 the Pentagon and destination unknown by:
   a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd.
   b. The Supreme Court of Florida trying to outdo their attempted hijacking of the 
2000 Presidential election
   c. Mr. Bean
   d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
  Hmmmmmmm ... Nope, no patterns here that profiling will help ...

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A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The

patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that

the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as

he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was

putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked, "Did I just

see you swallow something?" "Yep, that was my birth control

pill," said the driver. "Birth control pill?" asked the

patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was

screwed!" said the trucker

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Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 
employees and has the following statistics: 

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse 
*7 have been arrested for fraud 
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks 
*117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses 
*3 have done time for assault 
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit 
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges 
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting 
*21 are currently defendants in lawsuits 
*84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year. 

Can you guess which organization this is? 

Give up yet? 


It's the 535 members of the United States Congress - the same group of
 Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep
the rest of us in line. 

Yeah Government!!!!!!

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We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox
    became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet
    the plural of moose should never be meese.

    You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house
    is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why
    shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

    If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a
    pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why
    shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

    Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would
    never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

    We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we
    never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but
    imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

    Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English

    1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
    2) The farm was used to produce produce.
    3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
    4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
    5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
    6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
    7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
    present the present.
    8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
    9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
    10) I did not object to the object.
    11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
    12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
    13) They were too close to the door to close it.
    14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
    15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
    16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
    17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
    18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
    19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
    20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
    21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
    22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

    Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind!

    For example... If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going
    through the bough on a tree!

    Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

    There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
    pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in
    France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are
    meat.

    We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
    quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
    neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but
    fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

    Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you
    have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do
    you call it?

    If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
    vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

    Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be
    committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

    In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by
    truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How
    can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
    wiseguy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a
    language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you
    fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

    English was invented by people, across the ages, and it reflects the
    creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

    That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights
    are out, they are invisible.

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If you plan on robbing a bank, it is necessary that you do

a little pre_planning so that you're aware of the possible

problems that may be encountered. The following story is

just such a case where a lack of pre_planning mistakes and

bad luck ruined his whole day.

A story in the local newspaper detailed how a bank robber

was captured only minutes after the holdup. It seems that

he held up a bank in this small town at gunpoint, a suburb

of Seattle.

A witness saw the suspect change clothes and then jump in

his getaway vehicle. The witness was able to provide some

description details and a partial license plate number for

the car. The witness had training to learn these skills

from the citizens' academy, which was sponsored by the

local police department (bad news for the suspect).

The suspect sped away only to get stuck in traffic at an

infamous signal light in the town just minutes away from

the bank he just robbed. This light at this intersection

has a lengthy wait time as anyone in the town can attest.

However, the suspect wasn't from the town, and,

unfortunately for him, did little or no pre_planning; he

got stuck in traffic and was surrounded in minutes by the

police, of which one of the arresting officers was the

police chief, who happened to be coming back from lunch

and heard the commotion on the police radio and then saw

the suspect's car in traffic.

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Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your
vehicle. . . especially in public. From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily
News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to
Wal-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he
fixed the car there in the lot.  The wife returned later to see a
small group of people near the car.  On closer inspection she saw a pair
of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones.  Unable to stand the
embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand
UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.  On
regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by.  The mechanic, however,
 had to have three stitches in his head.

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Little Johnny was a young boy, just potty
trained.  When he went to the bathroom
thought, he hit everything but the toilet.
So mom had to go in and clean up after
him.

After two weeks, she has had enough, and
took Lil' Johnny to the doctor.

After the examination, the Dr. said, "Well,
his unit is to small".

"An old wives tale was to give him two slices
of toast each morning, and his unit will
grow so he can hold it and aim straight".

The next morning, lil Johnny jumped out
of bed and run down to the kitchen. On the
table were 12 slices of toast.

"MOM"   Johnny yelled, "The doc said I
only had to eat 2 slices".

"I know"  said his mom, "The other 10 are
for your father".

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 The Assignment

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something 
exciting and relate it to the class the next day.  The first little boy called upon,
 walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white
 dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him 
just what it was. "It's a period," said the little boy. "Well, I can see that." she
 said, "but what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know," said the little
 boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom 
fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

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FOR ALL OF YOU THAT WILL NEVER MAKE "WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE" OR EVEN
"THE WEAKEST LINK"...HERE'S THE WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ!

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?




ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ:

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?  116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?  Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?  Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?  Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?  Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?  Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?  New Zealand



WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU FAILED?

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It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add
one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an
additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now
she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a
pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what
I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump
right out of my glass.

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SAN FRANCISCO _ A San Francisco man may want to consider a

career change after he was arrested for a string of bank

robberies because he left his resume and receipt with

his name on it at the scene of the crime.

Police nabbed convicted bank robber Scot Alan Beane, 37, by

tracking him down using an old address on the resume he

inadvertently dropped at one of his alleged heists.

It also didn't help matters that Beane was allegedly

intoxicated during the robberies, according to the San

Francisco. Beane now faces charges of

robbing four banks of more than $13,000.

Beane's luck started to unravel after robbing a downtown bank

on March 19 when he dropped a piece of paper of the floor

which turned out to be a Western Union money transfer receipt

with his name on it, the newspaper said.

Thing's got worse five days later after he robbed another area

bank and left behind a resume which gave his name and former

address in Massachusetts where he had served a five-year prison

term for bank robbery, according to the Chronicle.

Still, Beane may not be the most unlucky bank robber in the

Bay Area. In Oakland, police found an old demand note in the

car of a man who was stopped for a routine traffic stop in

1997, the newspaper said.

As the women passed her daughter's closed bedroom door,
she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.  Opening
the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout
with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you
doing?"
The daughter replied, ..."Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried,
and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.
Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he
observed his daughter under the covers making passionate love to her
vibrator.  To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said,
...."Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as
close as I'll ever get to a husband.  Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed
the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise
coming from, of all places, the family room.  She entered that area and
observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and
staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.
The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied, ........."I'm watching the ball game
with my son-in-law.

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This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the  brave.

Reasons why the English Language is so hard to learn:

 1)  The bandage was wound around the wound.
 2)  The farm was used to produce produce.
 3)  The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
 4)  We must polish the Polish furniture.
 5)  He could lead if he would get the lead out.
 6)  The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
 7)  Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
 8)  A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
 9)  When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
 10) I did not object to the object.
 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
 13) They were too close to the door to close it.
 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor
ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
That quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but
fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural
of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends
but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all
but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't
reachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, are humanitarians cannibals?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
Asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play
and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy are opposites?

And if I'm uncouth, are you couth?

And finally, why doesn't Buick rhyme with quick?

[ return to contents ]

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak

accident, have a head_on collision with tremendous force.

Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of

the clerics has a scratch on him.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the

priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.

Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are

here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!"

Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that

we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship

for the rest of our days on earth."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.

This must surely be a sign from God!"

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at

this! Here's another miracle!

My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen

David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this

wine and to celebrate our good fortune."

The priest nods in agreement.

The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the

bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on,

then hands it back to the priest.

The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"

The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

[ return to contents ]

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college.  I have been remiss
in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having
written before.  I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,
please sit down, okay?

Well, I am getting along pretty well now.  The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it
caught fire shortly after my arrival, is pretty well healed now. I only
spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only
get those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately, an attendant at the gas station near the dorm witnessed the
fire in the dormitory and my jump and he was the one who called the Fire
Department and ambulance.  He also visited me in the hospital, and since I
have nowhere to live because of the burned-out dormitory, he was kind
enough to invite me to share his apartment with him.

It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.  He is a very fine boy
and we have fallen deeply in love and we are planning to get married.  We
haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins
to show.  I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents
and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love, devotion,
and tender care you gave me when I was a child.

The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor
infection, which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and
I carelessly caught it from him.  This will clear up with the penicillin
injections I am taking daily.  I know that you will welcome him into our
family with open arms.  He is kind and although not well educated, he is
ambitious.  Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I
know your oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by
this fact.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was
no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture, I was
not in the hospital, I am not engaged, do not have a disease and there is
no miscegenation in my life.  However, I am getting a "D" in History, and
an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see those grades in the proper
perspective.

Hope you are both well and will get home to see you soon.

Your loving daughter,

Sue

[ return to contents ]

A trio of men decided to do a bank robbery. The group

tried to enter, but got stuck in the revolving doors.

Frustrated, they left and returned a few minutes later. This

time, they penetrated the doors and announced their

intentions to take ten thousand dollars. Remembering them

from a few minutes earlier, customers and employees of the

bank laughed hysterically, thinking it was a joke. The men

thought that people were laughing because they were demanding

too much money. Eventually, the men reduced the amount of

money they wished to take to one thousand dollars. When that

didn't work, they demanded one hundred dollars. Soon, the men

were demanding one dollar each. When the laughter continued,

one of the men became angry. He jumped atop the counter and

pulled a gun on the teller; he fell and broke his leg. The

other two man decided to get away while it was safe. They,

however, once again got stuck in the revolving doors.

[ return to contents ]

   Safety First

Okay, are we safe, yet? 

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private 
investigator , Alan Pinkerton, for protection.  And that was the beginning of the
 Secret Service.  Since that time, the federal police authority has grown to a 
large number of multi-letter agencies, FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.  
Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service." Can't 
you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black outfits
 with their initials in large letters across their backs: "FATASS." I feel safer 
already.

[ return to contents ]

The Headline

A new cub reporter for a small town newspaper was writing

a column for the local "Police Blotter." He was covering

a story about an attack on a woman by an escapee from a

mental asylum. He returned with the story and a headline

of "Woman raped, mental patient escapes." The editor told

him the headline needed a little punch to grab the reader's

attention. After a while he came back with "Woman F@#!s

and Flees." The editor chewed him out and told him it was

a family newspaper and they couldn't possibly use a headline

like that, go back and try again. He rewrote the headline

and came back a few minutes later: "Nut screws and bolts."

[ return to contents ]

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual
acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart
and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the
20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read.
"Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even
read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that
he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there
with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish
the exam. --Dr. M T V  MA
 

[ return to contents ]

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having
trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked.
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six
hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him
quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see...
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the
instructions include removal of the old patch before applying
a new one. --Dr. R SC VA

[ return to contents ]

 Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. 
Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." 
And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs  
ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." 

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old.
 If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." 

Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is
 ten dollars." 

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both 
up for a ride.  If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't
 charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." 

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. 

The pilot does all kinds of twists! and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. 

He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. 

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to 
get you to yell out, but you didn't." 

Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten
 dollars is ten dollars."

[ return to contents ]

Although the head of a giant bio_technology corporation loved his work

dearly, he regretted not having more time to spend with his family. So, he

went to the chief research scientist and asked him to come up with a

solution.

"That's quite simple, sir. All you need is a clone of yourself to handle the

business details and you'll have plenty of time at home."

The executive thought that was great and so the scientist took some cells

from the inside of his mouth and began the cloning process. Six months

later, the clone was ready and the CEO was anxious to meet his double, but

the scientist cautioned him, "Sir, I must tell you that the cloning and

accelerated growth procedures we use aren't completely perfected yet. Your

clone is exact in every detail except that it has an unfortunate tendency

toward foul language."

The executive didn't blink an eye and left for home to enjoy family life as

his clone took over the office.

It wasn't long before trouble broke out. Longtime employees were quitting

and suing for sexual harassment. The double's foul mouth had offended and

lost many major clients and his vulgar tongue was proving to be a disaster

to the business.

Knowing that he had to do something and fast, the CEO called his double and

asked for a meeting at the restaurant atop company headquarters. The two met

and over lunch their argument became more and more heated. The swear words

literally poured out of the genetically_ engineered garbage mouth. He must

have run through about every filthy word in the book when the original CEO,

completely fed up, hauled off and belted him. The force knocked the double

through a plate glass window and he plummeted 30 stories to the sidewalk

below.

Within minutes the police arrived and took the CEO into custody and the

executive demanded to know the charge. "That should be obvious, sir," the

cop said. "You're being arrested for making an obscene clone fall."

[ return to contents ]

  Q&A

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 min.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual Harassment

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage

Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: Why are men like public toilets?
A: Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.

Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable"

Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A: The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?
A: The woman who ate the last donut.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts?
A: The blonde, because she's 18.

Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where the breasts went.

Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody

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Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your
call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response
To "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of
your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your
window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car
like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned
helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be
with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in
leap years. (Wouldn't help -- you STILL wouldn't remember!)

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