GREAT MARKETING SCREW UP's GREAT MARKETING SCREW UP's 1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea". 2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux. 3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick". 4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read. 5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine. 6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa). 7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese. 8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate". 9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth". 10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant". [ return to contents ]

The Question A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?" [ return to contents ]

THE DIAGNOSIS A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied. [ return to contents ]

Teenagers & Cats For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: 1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. 2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. 3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. 4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor you teen will ever crack a smile. 5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music. 6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. 7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did. 8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom. 9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture. 10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned. [ return to contents ]

Pulled Over A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and registration please." "What's the problem, officer?" "You just ran that stop sign back there." "Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me." "Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution." "You gotta be kidding me!" "It's no joke, sir." "Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution." "That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..." "You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?" "Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately." "I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop." The policeman had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?" [ return to contents ]

Murder The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who shouted. He turns to be defendant and says, "you are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel" "Damn tightwad" the same man in the gallery blurted out "I said QUIET!" yelled the judge. To the defendant, "you are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You jackass!" the man from the gallery yelled. The judge thundered at the man in the galley: "If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!" The man answered back, "I've lived beside that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?!? [ return to contents ]

The Club Johnny, Kurt and Jim (The Guys) are at the Saigon Passion strip joint. The girl is shaking her stuff in front of them wearing a G-string. Johnny (showing off) pulls out a $20 bill, licks it and sticks it on her butt cheek. Kurt (trying to show up Johnny) pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it on her other butt cheek. Jim pulls out his ATM card swipes it down the crack of her butt and puts the 20 and the 50 in his wallet. [ return to contents ]

The Limo   The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. Well he gets to about 90 miles per hour and, WHAM !, there are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well the trooper, seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need to call in." The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do." The chief replies "Who is it, not Ted again ?" The trooper says," "No, even more important." The chief replies, "It's the Governor, is it ?" The trooper replies "No, even more important." "It's isn't the President is it?" "No, more important", replies the trooper. "Well WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief. "I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!" [ return to contents ]

Odds & Ends Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. ....Every morning is the dawn of a new error... A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee. The beatings will continue until morale improves. I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock. Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply. Budget: A method for going broke methodically. Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. Do witches run spell checkers? Department of Redundancy Department What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. Buy a Pentium 200 so you can reboot faster. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. [ return to contents ]

KIDS VS. THE TEACHERS TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?   STUDENT: Seven.   TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?   STUDENT: Nine.   TEACHER: That's impossible.   STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today   . TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.  GEORGE: Here it is!   TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?  CLASS: George!     TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.  WILLY: Me!    TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?  TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are   . TEACHER: Why are you late?  WEBSTER: Because of the sign.  TEACHER: What sign?   WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."    SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?  ATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?   SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.    TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.  SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet   . TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?   JOSE: Don't bite any. [ return to contents ]

Hearing Problem A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful." [ return to contents ]

A buddy of mine is so suspicious that when his wife gave birth to twins, he flew into a rage because only one of them looked like him.

Land Mines A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines" [ return to contents ]

TARZAN Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?" Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels." [ return to contents ]

INDIAN ENGINEER The chief of a poor Native American tribe, which had no paved roads, no electricity, and no indoor plumbing, scrimped and saved and finally was able to send his eldest son to college. The lad did well, working hard for four years and finally graduating with a bachelor's degree in electrical engineering. Arriving home after graduation, the boy was treated to a welcoming party, complete with plenty of refreshments. Shortly after he retired to sleep, the son was awakened by the call of nature. Exiting the hut, he proceeded down the road to the outhouse, only to stumble and fall because of the lack of lights. The next day, the son decided to put his education to work. He sat down, did the calculations and prepared construction drawings for an illumination system for the outhouse, complete with lights for the path leading to it. It was constructed and was an immediate success. This chief's son will go down in history as the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation. [ return to contents ]

LIFE RAFT Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired old genie who said "ok.. so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one". The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!" "Fine" said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer. "Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. "NOW we're gonna have to piss in the BOAT!" [ return to contents ]

Unemployment office Boudreaux and Thibodeaux found themselves out of a job when the underwear factory in Port Barre shut down. But their boss said that they could go to the LSU office, you know the Louisiana State Unemployment office. So as Thibodeaux waited, Boudreaux sat down at the desk and was interviewed by the lady there. "And what was your former occupation?"she asked. "Me, I was a crotch sticher. I specialized in ladies underpants." Boudreaux proudly replied. So the lady looks it up in her big book and say, "OK, you're eligible for $50.00 a week.." "Hot damn, you mean I don't gotta do nothin' and I can get $50.00 a week. Man, that even beats crawfishin'!" Boudreaux shouted. Then Thibodeaux sat down and the lady asked him the same question. Thibodeaux looked her straight in the eye and said, "I was a diesel fitter." She looked up in her big book again and said"Very good then, you're eligible for $200.00 a week unemployment benefits." "WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!" Boudreaux shouted. "How come he gets $200.00 a week, and me, I only get $50.00. I told you I used to be a crotch stitcher; you know you gotta be real good to do that kind of work so the seams are all nice a straight and smooth so nothing scratches you down there. And Thibodeaux here, he's only a diesel fitter. And he's gonna make at least four times more than I'm makin'?" "Oh," the lady replied, "but he's a skilled laborer with an education. Diesel fitters are high demand especially by oilfields and heavy equipment users. There's not many diesel specialists around." "Whoa,whoa, whoa, lady," Boudreaux continued, "you got it all wrong. Yeah, Thibo's a diesel fitter, all right. But what that means is that after I do all the fine work on the lady drawers, he picks them up, looks'em over and stretches them this way and that, and then says, 'Yep, diese'll fit her!!!' [ return to contents ]

Questions asked on a Cruise Ship Top Ten List of Silliest Questions asked on a Cruise Ship by Paul Grayson, Cruise Director for the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line's Sovereign of the Seas Cruise Ship - 1998 10. Do these steps go up or down? 9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt? 8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship? 7. Does the crew sleep on the ship? 6. Is this island completely surrounded by water? 5. Does the ship make its own electricity? 4. Is it salt water in the toilets? 3. What elevation are we at? 2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day... the question asked..."If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?" 1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served? [ return to contents ]